My girlfriend left me a note: “I’m leaving you because you’re stupid and bigoted.” Well, I’m not stupid, just dyslexic. And I can’t help it if I’ve got big toes. – Terry Sangster

Lost balloonist: "Ahoy below! Where am I?" Startled farmer: "You can't fool me. You're up there in that basket." Australian and New Zealand Reader's Digest

Ever since I got married, I hate to admit, I’ve let myself go. Recently, a saleswoman approached me in a clothing store.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“Tomorrow I’ll be 22,” I said. “And this morning, my wife took one look at me and decided I needed a new birthday suit.” Nathan Nichols

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. I gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. I had to get an even-job man in to finish off. Stephen Grant

A man complained to his teenage daughter that the modern generation lacked modesty. "When I was your age," he said, girls still knew how to blush." "Good heavens, Dad," his daughter replied. "What on earth did you say to them?" Australian and New Zealand Reader's Digest

As I stripped off my jumper at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too.

My husband let out a low whistle. I took it as a compliment until he said, from behind his newspaper, “Can you believe the price of bananas?” Beatrice Roche

Heating water for pasta, I kept checking to see if it had begun to boil. My 13-year-old son shook his head. “Stop doing that, Mum. It’s like that saying: ‘A watched website never loads.’” J. Hanson