I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat. The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. "Could you read me the number?" he asked. "My vision’s not too good." --Edward Nandor

At the end of a visit to Amsterdam, a friend borrowed an old suitcase from his hosts to carry home his souvenirs. At the airport, however, a customs officer subjected our friend’s luggage to a thorough search and even sent for a drug-sniffing dog. Sure enough, the dog entered the area, headed straight for the borrowed bag and went into a frenzy. The customs officer now intensified his search, but ultimately he found nothing. After arriving home, the young man immediately phoned his hosts and told them how puzzled he’d been by the dog’s behavior.“Perhaps,” the owner of the suitcase said, “it was because that’s the bag our cat usually sleeps in.”    --J. Rietdijk-Shepherd

As a fund-raiser, the chemistry club designed and sold T-shirts. Written across the front were our top "Stupid Chemistry Sayings": • Have yourself a Merry Little Bismuth • What do you do with dead people? Barium • You stupid boron!• We hope your year is very phosphorous. --Shane Hart

A sign outside a Bradenton, Florida, restaurant didn’t mince words: "Closed, Thanks to Our Customers." --Alan Filsinger

I’ve never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same 50 bucks, my friend could’ve gotten me 50 bucks. --Dan Naturman

At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?" --Gail Heid Collier

I told my wife, Annie, about a story I heard on the radio. An eccentric millionaire married a dolphin at a resort where she swam with the critter."Isn't that nuts?" I marveled."But just think of the fortune she'll make when she writes her memoirs," my wife said. "She could call it The Porpoise Driven Wife." --David Michalicek