British Prime Minister Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital and enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness. He greets one man, who says, “Fairn fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o’ the puddin race!”

Confused, Blair grins weakly and moves on to the next patient, who adds, “Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Now alarmed, Blair asks the accompanying doctor, “What kind of facility is this? Is it a psychiatric ward?”

“No,” replies the doctor. “This is the serious Burns unit.”

Lyn Campbell, Malabar, NSW

Our economy is so bad, hot cakes aren’t even selling like hot cakes anymore.

Buzz Nutley

A real estate agent left his job and took up farming – with amazing success. Admiring his crop, a neighbour asked, “What’s your secret?”

“It’s simple,” the new farmer said. “Rotation, rotation, rotation.”

 John Dratwa

 Two cannibals attend the Jungle Olympics. One says, “I’m so hungry, I think I might eat a couple of those runners later. Would you care to join me?”

“No, thanks,” says the other. “I think I’ll just have the starter.”

Andrew Berry

A kangaroo bounds around the outback before coming to a halt. A baby penguin climbs giddily out of the kangaroo’s pouch and is promptly sick. Meanwhile, a little joey huddles on a cold South Pole icefloe, shivering, crying and mumbling to itself,

“I hate school exchange trips.”           

E. Gibbons

The rabbi and the priest met at the town’s annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

“This oven-baked ham with pineapple is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it even if it’s against your religion. Tell me, when are you going to break down and have some?”

The rabbi looked at his friend with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”          

Andrea Geraghty

While driving down a quiet road, a wealthy woman in an expensive car sees a young man running hard with three huge dogs snapping at his heels.

She is worried that this sweaty youth will sully her upholstery, but reluctantly accepts that she has to rescue him. She pulls over and shouts, “Get in!”

“You’re very kind,” gasps the young man, climbing onto the back seat. “Most people wouldn’t offer me a lift when they see I have three dogs.”

 

Sitting in a posh restaurant, a man spots a gorgeous redhead at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes and a glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He grabs it in the air and gives it back to her.

“Oh, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops the eye back in. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a fantastic meal together, then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his. Then she invites him back to her place where they make passionate love. Next morning, she cooks him a gourmet breakfast.

The man is amazed. “You are the perfect woman,” he says. “Are you this nice to every man you meet?”

“Not at all,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”           

Regina Lally

Did you hear about the man who spent his life  collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and  Florence Nightingale?

Apparently, he was a heroine addict.

 

Old Jim the shepherd walked into a pub with his sheepdog, Ben. “Don’t you know it’s Good Friday?” said the barman. “You can’t bring that dog in here.”

“Why not?” asked Jim.“ Because it’s a ban-collie day,” replied the barman.

John Davidson