A boy is told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret, which makes blackmail easy by saying “I know the whole truth” even when you don’t.

Greeted by his mother, the boy says, “I know the whole truth.” She slips him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Pleased, the boy next tries it on his father who hands him $40 and pleads, “OK, son, but not a word to your mother.”

On his way to school next morning, the boy sees the milkman and says, “I know the whole truth.”

The milkman opens his arms wide and says, “Then come and give your father a big hug.”

 

I read that Lincoln studied by the fireplace, Mozart composed by candlelight and Galileo did his inventing by the light of an oil lamp.

Didn’t any of these guys ever think of working during the day?   

Jay Trachman in One to One

“Now, who can spell the word straight?” the primary school teacher asked her students.

“S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T,” answered a boy.

“Great job. And do you know what it means?”

“Without ice.”

Victor Conway

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty: one to change the bulb and the other 19 to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it’s done.

 

Feeling horrible, a crocodile goes to the veterinarian.

“What seems to be the problem?” the vet asks.

“I just don’t have the drive I used to, Doc,” the crocodile says. “Used to be, I could swim underwater for ages and catch any animal I wanted. Now all I can do is let them swim by.” Concerned, the vet gives him a thorough examination and hands him a few tablets.

“What are these?” the croc asks.

“It’s a new pill very similar to Viagra,” the vet answers.

“Hold on, I don’t have that kind of problem,” the crocodile protests. “What exactly is wrong with me?”

“Well,” the vet says, “You have a reptile dysfunction.”           

Michael Sullivan

Dr Watson was in his local pub. He’d had too much to drink, it was past closing time and he was getting a bit rowdy.

“Come on,” said the barman. “Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?”

            Mike Ward

Research has shown that men usually sleep on the right side of the bed. Even in their sleep they have to be right.                       

Rita Rudner

Lost in Translation

An Australian couple were driving a rented car in Canada and got lost. Seeing a man by the side of the road, the husband pulled up and his wife wound down her window to ask, “Excuse me, can you tell me where we are?”

The man replied, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” The wife thanked him, wound up the window and told her husband, “We really are lost. They don’t even speak English here.”

 

When a boy enters a barber shop, the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it.”

He holds out a $5 note in one hand and a $2 coin in the other, then asks the boy, “Which one do you want, son?”

The boy takes the $2 coin and leaves. “What did I tell you?” the barber says. “That kid never learns.”

Later, the customer sees the boy in the street, licking an ice cream.

“Hey son,” he says. “Why did you take the two dollars instead of the five?”

“Because,” says the boy between ice cream licks, “the day I take the five dollars, the game’s over.”

 

I lost 20 kilos on this all-popcorn diet. But I spent $8000 going to the movies.