Since I was a new patient, I had to fill out an information form for the doctor’s files. The receptionist noticed my unusual name.

“How do you pronounce it?” she asked.

“Na-le-Y-ko,” I said, proud of my Ukranian heritage.

“That sounds lovely,” she said, smiling.

“Yes, it is melodious,” I agreed.

“So,” she asked sweetly, “what part of Melodia is your family from?”

Ann Nalywajko

It’s only natural that, after five kids, the initial hyper-protectiveness of motherhood does tend to fade. My friend and his mother were chatting about how her mothering techniques evolved over the years from the first child to the fifth.

“Oh, I definitely mellowed,” she admitted. “For example, when your oldest sister coughed, I’d panic and call the ambulance. But when your youngest brother swallowed a coin, I just told him it was coming out of his pocket money.”

Michael Frisbee

 Traffic was crawling at a snail’s pace. Of course, I wasn’t alone. Stuck in the lane next to me was a package delivery truck. As it slowly crept along, I had plenty of time to read the name of the company printed on the side.

Appropriately, it read: S-Cargo.

Douglas Atkinson

After a week of skiing with his mates, George, my husband, wanted a group photo in the lodge. He held out his camera to a man sitting quietly nearby and asked, “Excuse me, would you mind?”

The man seemed wary, but George kept after him. “It’s easy,” he said. “Just look through this here and push that button.” Then George showed him how to frame the picture.

After the guy took the shot, the lodge manager came over. “Don’t you think that was a little insulting?” he asked.

“Not at all,” George insisted. “He didn’t seem to know much about taking pictures.”

“Oh, really?” said the manager. “That was Steven Spielberg.”

Erin Bowser

 

Rushing from the car park into my office, I was approached by a homeless man.

“Excuse me, can you spare me some change?” he asked.

In a hurry but not wanting to be rude, I pretended that I didn’t understand him. “No hablo inglés,” I replied in Spanish.

“Oh, that’s just great,” the guy muttered, as he turned to walk away. “Now you even have to speak several languages to beg.”               

Ana Turner

 

I asked my mother-in-law if she had enjoyed her flight.

“Yes,” she said. “But we had to keep our seat belts on because of all the flatulence.”

Mervyn Saunders

 

Our minister’s sermon was about how marriage is under assault from popular culture. He cited the TV show Desperate Housewives.

“How many of you are going to watch the season finale this week?” he challenged.

When no-one raised a hand, he smiled. “Nobody’s willing to admit to being a fan?”

My mum whispered to me, “Actually, the finale was last week.”

Diana Jue

 

My husband doesn’t buy me intimate apparel, so I was delighted when his grandmother sent me a slinky nightie for my birthday. At the same time, she sent him a much-needed set of plastic storage drawers that he put to use right away.

He expressed his appreciation to his grandmother in these words: “I have filled the drawers and emptied the nightie. Thank you for both!”           

Tania Leigh

 

Not impressed with my new hairstyle, my teenage son commented, “With your big nose, it looks worse.”

My teenage daughter came to my rescue. “It doesn’t matter,” she said soothingly. “Mum’s already married.”           

Mary Jane Chicoski

 

While at university, I taught computer skills to prisoners. One evening as I waited for a guard to appear and check me in, I noticed the fellow ahead of me fidgeting and constantly checking his watch. Calm down, I thought.

Finally the guard came. The man scribbled his name in the visitors’ book and rushed inside. “What does that guy teach?” I asked the guard.

“Serenity Through Meditation.”

Dan Fitzgerald