Reader's Digest Interactive
The phone rang.
It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company.
“Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”
“No,” I replied.
“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”
“I really don’t have any,” I said.
“Why not free up some cash for home improvements?” he tried.
“I recently had some improvements done and paid cash,” I parried.
There was a silence, and then he asked, “Are you looking for a husband?”
Nancy Jordan
My mother had a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a policeman pulled us over for speeding on the freeway. Hoping to get off with just a warning, Mum tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.
“What do they usually do?” he asked. “Shoot the tyres out?”
Joan Torello
After my meeting ended, I headed back to my hotel. The lobby and the lifts were packed.
I went up to the front-desk concierge. “Can you direct me to the stairs? It’ll probably be faster to walk up to my floor.”
“I’m afraid that’s not possible,” she said, completely seriously. “Our stairs only go down.”
Abby Conley
When my ageing uncle introduced his new young girlfriend to the family, he informed us that she was a part-time model.
Unfortunately, our seven-year-old was in earshot. “Really?” he said. “Dad said you were a gold-digger!”
Phil Reilly
I am a big history buff and ordered a set of DVDs of an old TV documentary about World War II. Since I was going to be at my holiday home, I had them forwarded to a mail drop that was in a nearby town.
One day when I was picking up my mail, the manager handed me some envelopes, adding, “You have a package.” She winked, slid the box to me and whispered, “From Victoria’s Secret.”
I was completely baffled until I glanced at the return address.
My 26 episodes of Victory at Sea had arrived.
Gerald Cornell
Today was the day I was going to get a tattoo. I walked into the shop to check out designs – but I had second thoughts when I saw that the two “artists” working there were named Pane and Burns.
Lindsay Halverson
Renewing her driver’s licence, my aunt had her photo taken and waited for her new card. Finally her name was called, and she went to the counter to pick it up.
“Good grief,” she said. “My picture’s hideous. It looks nothing like me.”
The woman in line behind her plucked it out of her hand. “That’s because it’s mine.”
Clare Spaulding
Friends of mine sold their country home to move to the city, having arranged for the new owners to keep their dog, which they said was an excellent watchdog.
On their first night in the city, they received a frantic phone call from the new owners. “Please come back and collect your dog,” they begged.
“We’ve been out for the day and now it won’t let us back onto the property.”
Norma Kawak, Logan City, Qld
At the conclusion of a Canberra diplomatic reception, I joined a group of ambassadors and dignitaries farewelling the host as limousines bedecked with national flags glided up to collect their VIPs.
Suddenly, one diplomat strode from the rear of the waiting queue and opened the door of a limousine that had been driven past the others to the head of the motorcade.
Before he stepped inside, he turned to us, smiled and said, “That, my dear friends, is known as a queue d’état.”
Caroline Cooper-Sande, Kingston, ACT
A rack of self-help audio books caught my eye. I picked one up: How to Get Your Point Across in 30 Seconds or Less.
Flipping it over, I read, “Listening time: 45 Minutes.”
Charles O ’Mahony
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