Reader's Digest Interactive
My friend was looking at home-gym equipment with her husband. She stepped on a treadmill and said, “Darling, if you bought this for me, I would look like I did in high school.”
“Sweetheart,” he said gently, “it’s a treadmill, not a time machine.”
Loretta Nissen
For our first Christmas, my wife’s parents came over for dinner. My bride roasted a beautiful turkey, which she brought to the table on a silver tray.
With a very sharp knife, I carved it into lovely piles of thinly sliced white and dark meat. I smiled at my father-in-law, a well-known surgeon, and said,“How was that for a stunning bit of surgery?”
He laughed and replied, “Not bad. Now let’s see you put it back together.”
Carl Ross
Travelling at Christmas time, I arrived at the airport check-in and noticed a sprig of mistletoe dangling above it.
As the man at the check-in counter cleared my bags, I asked, “What’s that for?”
“That’s so you can kiss your luggage goodbye,” he smiled.
Tammy Davis
Sylvia, my five-year-old, and I were on the bus going home when she asked me for a second bar of chocolate.
“No,” I told her.
“Eating too much makes you fat.”
At the very next stop, a heavily pregnant young woman boarded the bus.
As she passed, Sylvia hissed at her, “I know what you’ve been up to.”
Scott Wallace
Watching a TV show on couples prompted me to ask my wife of 60 years, “If you had to do it all over again, would you marry me?”
“You’ve asked me that before,” she answered with a smile.
“What’d you reply?”
She said, “I don’t remember.”
Milton Libman
Butch, our boxer dog, hated taking his medicine. After a lot of trial and error, my father eventually decided on the simplest way to get it into him: blow it down Butch’s throat with something called a pill tube.
He put the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced the reluctant dog’s jaws open and poked the other end into his mouth. Then, just as Dad inhaled to blow, Butch coughed.
A startled look appeared on Dad’s face. He opened his eyes wide and swallowed hard. “I think I’ve just been dewormed,” he gasped.
John Robertson
I moved back home after my second year of medical school. One night, I was up late studying for my clinical exam. Because my father woke me every morning at seven, I put a note on my door: “DO NOT DISTURB. Studying until 3am.”
This got me no sympathy from my dad, who is himself a doctor. He left a note attached to mine: “The hotel management hopes you’re enjoying your stay. We’d like to remind you that checkout was at noon – six years ago.”
Varghese Abraham
After 26 years, I finally quit smoking. About a week after my last cigarette, I was waiting at the bus stop when a stranger said, “I see you’ve recently stopped smoking.”
I was amazed. “Yes. How did you know?”
“From the way you ground out the chewing gum wrapper with your foot.”
Frank Davis
As I was pregnant with our sixth child, I couldn’t visit my mother in the hospital, so my husband went.
“There’s a risk of sterility if you get that close to someone who’s having radiation treatments,” a nurse warned.
My husband smiled and said, “I know.”
Arlene Caldwell
Getting braces as an adult was more complicated than my husband anticipated. For three years he had to make repeated visits to his orthodontist for minuscule readjustments.
“She is such a perfectionist,” he complained one day. Then he smiled. “I guess you could say she’s oral retentive.”
Mindy Carr
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