My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took it to the vet to be neutered.

“I’m about 95% certain he’s been fixed,” the vet said.

“How can I be 100%?” Allison asked.

“Watch to see if he does any ‘male’ things.”

“He already lies on the couch all day,” she said. “If he starts hogging the remote control, I’ll bring him back in.”
Doris Musick


“With friends like these...” was the first thing that came to mind after reading the Friends of Animals raffle ticket I’d just bought.

It said I could win one of the following prizes: a large box of chicken legs, a smoked ham, eight T-bone steaks, six kilos of sausages or a box of pork chops.
Michael Frendak


Because he works in the building trade, my husband thinks he can do pretty much any home repairs himself.

So after a wheel broke off the foot of our bed, I was surprised when he asked, “Hey, love, can you get me that fix-it book you bought?”

The next day, I looked down to where the broken wheel had been. In its place, propping up the bed, was the book.
Nicole Vidak

Three women, obviously old friends, had just finished having an expensive dinner at the table next to me. When the waiter came with the bill, one said, “Give it to me.”

“No. You got it last time,” said another. “It’s my turn.”

The waiter stood there, unsure of what to do – until the third woman said, “I’m the biggest tipper.” He handed her the bill.
Mary Jo Vetorino


Our priest asked how things were going with my father. “Well, he has issues,” I replied, then shared a few details.

After listening, he said, “Issues? Sounds like he’s got a year’s subscription.”
Laurie Lalko


She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humour. One day she said, “You know what kills me… ?”

Smiling, Mark teased, “Apparently nothing.”
Christina Curley


When my son Michael was in primary school, he had to write a biography about his parents. When I read his biography about me, I was impressed with his vocabulary. It said, “My mum has blue eyes and chestnut hair.”

“Where did you learn about the colour chestnut?” I asked him.

“It’s written on your hair-dye box,” Michael explained.
Roxanne Keillor

I was best man at a friend’s wedding. When the time came to hand the ring to the minister, I fumbled and dropped it. There was a deathly silence as the ring hit a metal grating and tinkled all the way into the bowels of the church. I hastily pulled off my own ring and the ceremony proceeded.

A year or so later, when I entered the delivery room to deliver their first child, my friend looked up and said, “Please, don’t drop the baby!”
Dr A. Rowe

I was planning to create a privet hedge for my garden. I read an article that said to help privet cuttings take root, you should cut them at an angle and plant them inside a piece of potato.

I got some privet cuttings from my father and planted them as per the article’s instructions. My father-in-law was visiting at the time and watched what I was doing with wry cynicism.

“I’ll await the outcome with interest,” he chuckled. When he returned a few weeks later, he was amused to find that the privet cuttings had died. But what really made his day was the magnificent crop of potatoes growing in their place.
Pauline Cocker