Laughter, the Best Medicine October 2006

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
Adam Rudebusch

After much research, scientists have located the gene for alcoholism. They found it at a party, talking much too loudly.
Conan O’Brien on Late Night

Every day a woman stood at her gate and shouted, “Praise the Lord!”

And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There is no Lord!”

One day she prayed, “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me groceries.”

The next morning she found a big bag of food on the veranda. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.

“I told you there was no Lord,” her neighbour said, jumping from behind a bush. “I bought those groceries for you.”

“Praise the Lord!” the woman cried. “He not only sent me groceries, He made the devil pay for them.”

The little brown snake wriggled home with tears in his eyes.

“Mum,” he sobbed, “the meany red-bellied black snakes next door won’t let me play with their little boy.”

“Won’t let you play with their little boy?!” screamed his mother. “Those snobs. I knew them when they didn’t have a pit to hiss in!”
Jill Lewis

Card sharps

Funny

Q: How can you tell a poker player is lying?

A: His chips are moving.

Funnier

Q: Why did the elephant hate to play cards in the jungle?

A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

Funniest

Q: What’s the difference between an extra-large pizza and a poker player?

A: A extra-large pizza can feed a family of four.

Bored with his job, a man decides to act insane so his boss will give him a few days’ sick leave. He hangs upside down from the ceiling, making funny buzzing noises, and tells a female colleague that he’s a light bulb.

She calls the boss, who sends the man home until he’s feeling better. As the worker walks out the door, the female colleague follows.

“Where are you going?” the boss asks her.

“I’m off home, too,” she says. “Surely you don’t expect me to work in the dark?” Regina Lally

A husband has just read a book called You Can Be the Man of the House.

Feeling empowered, he storms into the kitchen, wags a finger in his wife’s face and says, “From now on, you need to know that my word is law! Tonight, you will prepare me a gourmet meal and, when I’ve finished, you’re going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my dressing gown.

Then you will massage my feet and hands with oil. And after that’s done, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replies, “The undertaker?”
Stuart Collinson

With the winning post in sight, two racehorses are neck and neck. Suddenly, one of the jockeys is struck by a picnic basket thrown from the crowd. He loses the race by half a length.

“Why didn’t you win?!” rages the trainer.

“Sorry, boss,” says the jockey, “I was hampered.”
Paul Allen