A couple are getting ready for bed after a long day’s work.
“I look in the mirror and I see an old lady,” the woman says to her husband. “My face is all wrinkled, and I’m sagging and bagging all over. And look at this flab on my arms.”
Her husband is silent.
“Hey!” she says, turning to him. “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
“Well,” he says, “your eyesight is still great.”
Jeffrey Raiffe
“What was your score?” a golfer asked a new member.
“Not good,” was the reply. “I got 65.”
“That’s actually very good,” he was told.
“You think so?” said the new player. “Well, I’m hoping to beat that on the next hole.”
Roxy Connaughton, Shenton Park, WA
Did you hear about the Pepsi executive who got fired?
He tested positive for Coke.
P. Regulinski
A rich woman calls her butler to her bedroom.
“Jenkins,” she says in a low voice. “Take off my silk dress.”
Jenkins takes off her dress.
“And my black fishnet stockings and stiletto heels.” Jenkins takes them off, too.
“And my pink satin underwear.” The butler slowly removes her underwear.
“Now, Jenkins,” says the woman, “if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, consider yourself sacked.”
Nicola Gordon
Her first day at the convent, the anxious new nun started biting her nails. After trying to quit by force of will, self-help books and even hypnosis, she finally turned to the mother superior for advice.
“Change your clothes,” came the response.
“But how will that help?”
“Simple,” the mother superior said. “You’ve just got a bad habit.”
Dylan Valliere
Eating out in Spain, Mike sees a man at the next table eating something that smells wonderful.
Mike asks the waiter what it is. “Bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning,” the waiter replies. “It’s a local delicacy.”
Initially appalled, Mike then thinks, Why not? and asks the waiter to bring him some.
“Sorry, señor,” the waiter tells him. “There is only one fight each morning so there is only one serving per day. Come back tomorrow.”
Next day, Mike orders the testicles. They taste great, but are much smaller than the ones he’d seen the day before. He asks the waiter why.
The waiter shrugs and replies, “Señor, sometimes the bull wins.”
The king had a beautiful girl locked in his castle. He lavished her with gifts, but dressed her in the most horrible rags.
Every night, she would stare out her dungeon window, waiting for a brave knight to rescue her. But every knight who rode up would take one look at her and ride away in disgust.
“How can they resist my beauty?” the girl complained.
“The king was right,” a dungeon guard replied. “No knight is going to rescue a damsel in this dress.”
Mary Olson
“Pour me a double whisky, mate. I’ve just had a blazing row with my wife,” Gary tells Charlie, the barman of his local pub.
“Oh, yeah?” says Charlie. “Who won?”
“Well, when it was all over, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees,” Gary says.
“Really?” says Charlie. “What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you snivelling coward.’”
Regina Lally
Christmas crackers
Funny
What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?
“There’s nothing good on TV!”
Funnier
How much should you spend on a Christmas turkey?
A poultry amount.
Funniest
Does Santa like Christmas carols?
No. He’s more into wrap.
