Reader's Digest Interactive
A famous director goes to heaven.
“Boy, are we glad to see you,” St Peter says. “God has the perfect project for you.”
“I’m done with making Oscar-winning movies,” the director says. “I just want to rest.”
“But you’d have a dream crew. Mozart has signed on to compose the score, Michelangelo will design all the sets, and Shakespeare is hard at work writing the screenplay.”
“Wow! How can I say no to that? I’m in.”
“Fabulous. There’s just one thing,” St Peter says. “God has this friend who thinks she can act…”
Did you hear about the young mermaid and the old fisherman?
They met online.
Roger Weaver
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussels sprouts never do.
P. J. O’Rourke
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
George Carlin
I worked out how to cure the high divorce rate in this country. Have mobile phone companies write the marriage contracts – you’ll never get out of them.
Buzz Nutley
Bob: “When did you get that trombone?”
Keith: “I borrowed it from my neighbour’s son just recently.”
Bob: “I didn’t know you could play the trombone.”
Keith: “I can’t. And now, neither can he.”
Capers Simmons
As a father put his three-year-old to bed, she said, “God bless Mum, God bless Dad, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”
“Why did you say that?” asked the father .
“It just felt right,” replied the little girl. The very next day, Grandpa died. What a coincidence! thought the father.
A few weeks later, the little girl said, “God bless Mum, God bless Dad and goodbye Grandma.” Next day, Grandma died.
Is my daughter in touch with the other side? wondered the father.
Soon after, at bedtime the girl said, “God bless Mum and goodbye Dad.” The father flew into a panic. He locked himself in his office and stayed there until 12pm arrived.
I should be OK now, he thought, and went home.
“You’re late. What’s up?” his wife asked.
“I’ve had the worst day of my life,” he said.
“You think you had it bad,” she retorted. “You’ll never believe what happened to me. The milkman dropped dead on our veranda.”
Tatiana Kuvshinova
"I began today with an act of unselfish generosity,” a woman told her neighbour. “I gave $10 to an absolute no-hoper.”
“That’s a lot of money to give away,” the neighbour observed. “What did your husband say about that?”
“He said thanks,” said the first woman.
Reuben Park, Maleny, Qld
Three engineering students are sitting in a bar discussing who could have designed the human body.
The first one says, “It must have been a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
The second says, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
Then the last one says, “It could only have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic-waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
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