Reader's Digest Interactive
An engineer is standing outside the Pearly Gates.
“Sorry,” St Peter tells him, “but you’re in the wrong place.” He snaps his fingers and the engineer finds himself in hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, the engineer starts making improvements.
One day, God phones Satan to ask how things are going.
“Great,” he answers. “We’ve got lifts and air-conditioners now. There’s no telling what that engineer will come up with next.”
“You’ve got an engineer?” God says. “There’s been a mistake. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
“Yeah, right,” Satan chuckles. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
Vicky Bullett
Sorting mail, a post-office worker found a postcard from an old woman that broke his heart. It read: “Dear God, I have never had a holiday. I am 86 and would love to go away somewhere special before I die. All I need is $500. Please help.”
The worker decided to organise a collection among his colleagues, soon raised $450 and sent it off to the woman.
Three weeks later, he found another postcard from the woman. It read: “Dear God, I had the holiday of a lifetime. Thank you so much for the money. It was $50 short, mind you. I expect it was those light-fingered bastards at the post office.”
Bill Naylor
A man bought a bird, but after a week it hadn’t spoken. So he went back to the pet shop.
“Try getting him a mirror,” the shopkeeper suggested. “They love to look at themselves. That will get him talking.”
The man bought the mirror, but the bird still refused to speak. A week later, the man went back.
“OK, try this bell,” the shopkeeper advised. “The music will bring out the talker in him.”
A week later, the man returned. “He finally said something!” he told the shopkeeper.
“He looked in his mirror, rang his bell, said a few words, then dropped dead off his perch.”
“How terrible!” the shopkeeper said. “What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Doesn’t that pet shop have any birdseed?’”
I asked my husband if he wanted to renew our vows. He got so excited – he thought they had expired.
Rita Rudner on Comic Relief
What happens when you cross a lollipop with a rabbit?A sucker’s born every minute.
Peter Grecco
Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool.”
Johnny: “So, what are the words?”
So this penguin walked into a bar and said, “Has my father been in here?”
“I don’t know,” the bartender said. “What does he look like?”
Why should you never marry a tennis player? Love means nothing to them.
Adam Robertson
Joe the farmer wants to know how many ewes he owns, so he asks his sheepdog.
“Four hundred,” says the collie.
Joe isn’t convinced and spends the day counting them. “You’re wrong,” he tells his dog. “There’s only 394.”
“Well,” says the collie. “I rounded them up.”
Jim Goodfellow
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