Reader's Digest Interactive
A woman rubbed a lamp and out popped a genie.
“Do I get three wishes?” she asked.
“Nope, I’m a one-wish genie. What will it be?”
“See this map? I want all these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.”
“They’ve been at war for hundreds of years. I’m not that good,” he said. “What else?”
“Well, I’d love a good man. One who’s considerate, loves kids, likes to cook and doesn’t watch sports all day.”
“OK,” the genie said with a sigh. “Let me see that map again.”
D. Richards
When do cows go to sleep? When it’s pasture bedtime.
Hoss Allred
“What starting salary are you looking for?” the head of human resources asks the newly graduated engineer at the end of a job interview.
Going for it, the guy says, “Well, sir, I was thinking about $150,000 – depending on the benefits package.”
“Right,” the HR director says. “How about six weeks’ paid holiday leave, bonus plan, share options and a Porsche for your company car?”
The engineer gasps and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
“Yeah,” he replies. “But you started it.”
A recent survey reported that 27% of Australians take their mobile phones to the toilet: an indication that reading is definitely becoming a lost art.
Garth Gamblin
Once upon a time, a beautiful young antelope was going to the party of the year. Excited, she put on a fancy new outfit, make-up, great shoes, perfume, the works. Suddenly, she was stampeded by a herd of buffalo, turning her into a self-dressed stamped antelope.
A man walks into a bar and orders six double vodkas. Putting them in a row, he downs the first glass, then the third and finally the fifth.
“Excuse me,” the barman says as the man turns to leave. “But you left three of the glasses of vodka untouched.”
“I know,” the man says. “My doctor says it’s OK to have the odd drink.”
Jee Wan Yau
My mother could make anybody feel guilty. She used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
Joan Rivers
Posted to India during the days of the Raj, a young soldier was greeted by the colonel of his new regiment.
“You’ll like it here, Caruthers,” he said. “We keep ourselves entertained. On Monday evening we have a poker session and...”
“I don’t gamble, sir,” interrupted Caruthers.
“Oh,” said the colonel. “Never mind. Tuesday is drinking night.”
“I don’t drink, sir,” said Caruthers.
“That’s all right,” said the colonel. “Maybe Wednesday night is up your street. Girls come and entertain us, if you know what I mean.”
“I don’t associate with loose women,” said Caruthers loftily.
“Look here!” barked the colonel. “You’re not gay, lad, are you?”
“Certainly not, sir,” replied Caruthers.
“Ah, well,” sighed the colonel, “then you won’t like Thursday night, either.”
Terry Burgess
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