A drunk sidles up to a man who is looking under the bonnet of his car in the street outside a bar.
“Whash the matter, mate?” he asks.
“Its piston broke,” says the driver.
“Yeah?” replies the drunk. “Me too.”
Tracy Davidson
The manager called an employee into his office and told him, “Jenkins, I’ve decided to make you the plant manager.”
“Gee, thanks, boss,” the worker gushed. “What do I have to do?”
“Just water them every day,” replied the manager.
Allan Emslie, West Chermside, Qld
A cop was rushed into the operating theatre for an emergency appendectomy. The surgery went well, but afterwards he felt a weird pulling sensation on his chest.
Worried that something else might be wrong, he lifted his hospital gown to take a look.
Attached to his chest hairs was a wide strip of gaffer tape. On it was written “Get well soon”, and it was signed “The nurse you gave a speeding ticket to this morning”.
Jackson Hall
I see a sign that says “Caution, Small Children Playing”. I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I’m not afraid of small children.
Jonathan Katz
“Honey, I have good news and bad news,” a man tells his wife.
“What is it?” she asks.
“First, I think I’m losing my voice,” he croaks.
“So,” his wife says, “what’s the bad news?”
Minnie Moretz
What do you call a receptionist in a beauty salon?
A hair-traffic controller.
Barb Hoverman
The windscreen wiper and the indicator had a staring contest. Who won?
The wiper – the indicator couldn’t stop blinking.
Jon Misisak
In Africa, scientists have dug up the fossilised remains of a snake that had two legs.
They say it’s a direct ancestor of the modern lawyer.
Ben Walsh
Moses and Jesus are playing golf. Moses selects a five iron and tees off. His ball lands in the lake.
It’s Jesus’ turn. “Tiger Woods would use this,” he says, grabbing a five iron.
“But my shot ended up in the lake!” Moses protests. “You should use a four iron.”
“Nope. Tiger would use a five.”
So Jesus swings hard – and hits the ball into the lake. He’s walking on the water looking for it when a man approaches.
“Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?” the man asks.
“No,” Moses explains. “He is Jesus. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”
