A woman came into our photocopy shop to pick up a large order. While there, she asked me to make a copy of her driver’s licence, birth certificate and passport. When I gave her the total price, she asked if she could pay by cheque.

“Of course,” I said automatically. “I just need to see some ID . . .”

Jeremy Dolph

 

My first position was as a telemarketer selling insurance.

As many customers were rude to us, I was delighted to get through to a pleasant young woman. As I explained premiums and eligibility factors, she interjected, “Is a spouse covered if their partner is murdered?”

She added, “Because if Tom leaves the toilet seat up again, I’ll kill him!”           

David Gammon

 

“Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?” my father, a judge, asked a roomful of prospective jurors.

A nervous young man stood up. “I’d like to be dismissed,” he said.

“And why is that?”

“My wife is about to conceive.”

Slightly taken aback, Dad responded, “I believe, sir, you mean ‘deliver’. But either way, I agree. You should be there.”          

Beth Duncan

On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a “Road Closed” sign. Undeterred, he manoeuvred his ute around it and continued on. But he didn’t get very far. The bitumen ended, giving way to another, larger sign: “What Part of ‘Road Closed’ Didn’t You Understand?” 

Teri Kerschen

When the driver in front of my police car began weaving in and out of his lane,

I quickly hit the sirens and pulled him over. As I approached his window, I was hit with the stench of alcohol.

“Sir, can you tell me when you started drinking and how much you’ve had?”

I said.

“Well, Officer, I can’t tell you how much I’ve had,” he slurred. “But I started drinking in 1967.”   

Robert Miller

 

Maybe it’s the cabin air, but flight crews never seem to tire of jousting with one another. Recently, as the plane I was on was about to land, the pilot came over the intercom with one last barb aimed at his crew.

“We are on our final descent,” he announced. “Would flight attendants please prepare their hair for arrival.” 

Karen Lastoria

 

A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got him back to his room and sat him down, he took a deep breath and announced,

“That was great! I don’t feel a day over 100!”

Mary Cipollone

 

The speaker at our training sessions for correctional officers was a psychologist. We appreciated the fact that he was able to answer in plain English a question many of us had: What is the difference between someone who is delusional and someone who is schizophrenic?

“Delusional people build castles in the air,” he explained. “Schizophrenics move in and live there.”

Rebecca Lewis

 

My colleagues and I recently received this e-mail from the building manager: “Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday. Dress accordingly.”  

Debra Donath

Leading a tour of children through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an X-ray technician.

“Have you ever broken a bone?” he asked.

“Yes,” the girl replied.

“Did it hurt?”

“No.”

“Really? Which bone did you break?”

“My sister’s arm.”

A.L. Graber

 

My father, a gravedigger, was told to prepare for a funeral. But on the day of the service, it was discovered that he had dug up the wrong plot. Luckily for him, the deceased’s daughter was very understanding.

“Poor Dad,” she lamented. “He always complained he could never find a parking space.”  

Emily Willmot