Reader's Digest Interactive
Ever since I got married, I hate to admit, I’ve let myself go. Recently, a saleswoman approached me in a clothing store.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
“Tomorrow I’ll be 22,” I said. “And this morning, my wife took one look at me and decided I needed a new birthday suit.”
Nathan Nichols
Walking past my father’s veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside.
“Are you here to see Dr Meyer?” she asked.
“Yes,” the boy said. “I’m having my dog put in neutral.”
Sally Meyer-Shields
It was the usual busy day at our bank. A woman came up to customer service and demanded, “What do I have to do to change the address on my account?”
Without looking up, I replied, “Move.”
Carol Goodwin
“I’m looking for a boyfriend,” I said in my comedy act for senior citizens. “If any of you men are interested, submit your name along with last year’s tax return.” I usually get a big laugh with that one, but it fell flat. Only later did the manager explain, “This is a retirement home for priests.”
Gloria Bolduc
The downside to retirement, I told my daughter, a stay-at-home mum with three young girls, is that you no longer feel euphoric about Fridays. “When you’re retired, every day is Friday.”
“I know what you mean,” my daughter replied. “When you’re a stay-at-home mum, every day is Monday.”
Brenda Joullian
My sister works as a tour guide taking tourists round Europe. Some of them are amazed by the idiosyncrasies of Europe’s many languages, currencies and different time zones.
Crossing the English Channel by ferry with a group, she was careful to emphasise that the time on arrival in France would be one hour ahead of British time. The tourists were given an hour to explore Calais but were told that they had to be back on the coach by 3pm.
To everyone’s annoyance, an American woman arrived back at 3.30, clearly under the impression that she was half an hour early. My sister reprimanded her, saying, “I told you all three times that your watches go forward by one hour over here.”
The woman looked at her expensive watch and replied, “Well, honey, mine sure didn’t.”
Charlotte Rapoport
Reviewing crash reports by pilots, my air force military science professor came upon this understated entry: “After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available.
“I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guard rail, grazed a pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field and hit another tree. Then I lost control.”
John Millard
A patient in my hospital had died and a new nurse asked me the procedure for preparing the deceased for viewing by the family.
“Just make him look natural,” I told her.
Finishing some paperwork, I went to help the nurse and was horrified to find the patient propped up with pillows, a newspaper in his hands and his reading glasses on.
Nancye Nagle, Narangba, Qld
These examination answers from students beg the question: Are teachers paid too much or too little?
Q: What was the Phoenicians’ gift to the world?
A: Phoenician blinds.
Q: What is a mammogram?
A: When people get their initials put on towels.
Q: Who is the author of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?
A: Dr Seuss.
Pauline Mann and Carol Schott
I arrived home after a busy morning of appointments. I’d gone to the hair salon to have my hair coloured, and then to the chiropractor. Walking in, I overheard my husband talking on the phone.
“She’s not here,” he said. “She’s gone out for a paint job and then a realignment.”
Arlene Shovald
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