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Animal Jokes

The devil you know

When the coffeemaker went on the fritz, I joked that maybe it was the fault of the cockroaches. Our office manager was not amused.
“We don’t have cockroaches,” she said, putting me straight... read more


Sit, beg, roll over, make change

I was driving home recently when I stopped on impulse at a roadside vegetable stand. It was deserted expect for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped carefully over the dog, grabbed some veggies,... read more


After dinner drinks

We recently ate a restaurant and as we paid our bill the waitress asked our small son what we were going to do next. Excitedly, Jamie said, “We have whisky in the car, you know.”

The... read more


Blissfully lost

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden one afternoon. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he was well looked after. I gave him a few pats on the head and he followed me... read more


Flight of fancy

Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?


Herd mentality

My grandpa is definitely a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked him how he liked his vegetables prepared. He said, “Fed to a cow, so they’ll turn into steak... read more


Dog gone it

Whoever said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks was so wrong. I taught mine how to play dead and she’s been doing it for a year straight.


The Great Tweet-off: Wildlife edition

Whether you're cracking wise about animals, or pretending to BE one, Twitter is the place to let your creativity run wild:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world... read more


There's always a catch

A woman returning from a fishing trip with her husband told her troubles to a neighbour. “I did EVERYTHING wrong again,” she said. “I talked too loudly, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in to soon... read more


Crawly Crime

A turtle was walking down a dark alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at... read more


Always cover your tracks

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named “Fireworks and vacuums” so my dog won’t find them.


Fishy joke

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm. “Do you make fish cakes? he asked.

“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.

“Great,” said the man. “It’s his... read more


Pet psychology

A dog thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.”

A cat thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. I must be their god.”


Jokes of a feather

I did a stand-up gig to a flock of pigeons the other day. It went well – they were eating out of the palm of my hand.


Mybacknophobia

When I told my wife there was a huge spider in the bath, she screamed and said, “Put it outside!”

Now I’ve got a hernia – those old bathtubs can be pretty heavy…


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