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Magazine

Family Jokes

Shocking display

My friend, who’s a nurse in an emergency department, was telling me about a patient who arrived with a gash in his head. Apparently the man was a farmer, and he and his son were working in a field... read more


A win's a win

We took our two teenage sons to a restaurant that was packed with fans watching a sporting event on TV. The harassed waitress took our order, but 30 minutes later there was no sign of our food. I... read more


A little on the nose

I work at a garden centre and was tickled to overhear one customer saying to another: “I never knew what compost was until I met husband.”


No harm done

When I needed my university exam certificates for a job interview, my brother volunteered to go up to the attic to find them and put them in a folder for me.

The next week, I nervously... read more


After dinner drinks

We recently ate a restaurant and as we paid our bill the waitress asked our small son what we were going to do next. Excitedly, Jamie said, “We have whisky in the car, you know.”

The... read more


The Great Tweet-off: Kids’ Edition

A source of surprise, pain, comedy, wisdom and everything in between, this month we celebrate the joy (mostly) of children.

Sometimes, at night, after my son has gone to bed, I go... read more


Never looked better

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
... read more


Unsearchable

I was trying to teach my mother how to use the internet, but at 86 she felt she could carry on perfectly well without it. Determined to prove how good it was, I told her she could Google any... read more


Spitting image

I was showing off my drawing skills to my four-year-old one day. I would sketch different things and then ask him to recognise them. My boy was doing really well until I drew an angry face and he... read more


Poor reception

I recently took my wife on holidays to the north of England, and since our son was to join us for a few days, I texted him to bring fuel for the fire as it had turned decidedly chilly.
... read more


Blissfully lost

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden one afternoon. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he was well looked after. I gave him a few pats on the head and he followed me... read more


Too little too late

This classified ad speaks volumes: “Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”


Security check

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I... read more


20/20 derision

“Those frames are so flattering,” I assured my sister. She’d just gotten new glasses after 25 years and wasn’t happy with them.

“They’re OK,” she said, staring gloomily at herself in... read more


Herd mentality

My grandpa is definitely a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked him how he liked his vegetables prepared. He said, “Fed to a cow, so they’ll turn into steak... read more


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