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Old Age Jokes

Hardly working

My newly retired husband was watching as I went about my daily routine. I vacuumed, cleaned, ironed and sorted the laundry, and after making us both a cup of coffee, I sat down. Hubby looked at me... read more


How do I look?

My mother moved towns and went for her first visit to her new doctor’s surgery. The doctor looked through her extensive medical paperwork containing her health history and then looked at my mother... read more


Workin' nine to whatever

Recently, an elderly couple visited the interior design store where I work to request an estimate for reupholstering some furniture. They had no photos on hand, so I asked that they bring some... read more


Silver lining

After one glance at my updated driver’s licence photo, I said the first thing that came to mind: “Ugghhh!”

“What’s wrong?” asked the clerk behind the counter.

“I look... read more


Deadly diet

At a conference I attended recently, a doctor was addressing a large audience. “The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago,” he said. “Red meat is... read more


Knock knock

When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in and started complaining that she’d got home to find a note from the postman – he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in.

“My... read more


Never looked better

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
... read more


Unsearchable

I was trying to teach my mother how to use the internet, but at 86 she felt she could carry on perfectly well without it. Determined to prove how good it was, I told her she could Google any... read more


20/20 derision

“Those frames are so flattering,” I assured my sister. She’d just gotten new glasses after 25 years and wasn’t happy with them.

“They’re OK,” she said, staring gloomily at herself in... read more


Voices in the night

My mum is quite elderly and has a vivid imagination, so when she called me in the middle of the night to say she’d heard a voice speaking to her, I was sceptical.

“Something’s wrong... read more


Signs of ageing

I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?”

My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait,... read more


As young as you feel

As a retiree, I’m often asked what I do to fill my days. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town for a little shopping. After visiting one store for about five minutes, we... read more


One age fits all

A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to try on dresses for their school formal.

“Gross,”... read more


Pushy salesman

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on the door of an old lady's house. The lady takes one look at him and says, "You are wasting your time, I have no money," and tries to close the door.
... read more


Family reunion

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is... read more


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