RDAU_2026-ISSUE0809_DIGITAL MAGAZINE

reader ’ s digest 130 August/september 2026 The Village There’s wisdom in that oft-quoted proverb: ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ What the proverb doesn’t mention is how that village assembles itself in crisis, how community reveals its true nature – not during ordinary times but in moments of catastrophic need. After Elysha died, I discovered our village was both smaller and larger than imagined. Some pillars crumbled under the weight of grief, while support emerged from unexpected sources, creating a network that sustained us when individual capacity faltered. The initial response was a tsunami of pasta, flowers, and sympathy cards. The meal train could have fed a small nation; by week three, our freezer held thirty- seven lasagnes. Giorgio began measuring time in pasta: ‘Dad, my birthday is only twelve lasagnes away!’ I even had stress dreams of being chased by a giant, ricotta- filled monster. While well-intentioned, these gestures created an administrative burden. There were notes to write, containers to return, and overlapping offers to coordinate when my emotional resources were depleted. A hierarchy of grief responses soon emerged. At the top were those who dropped off food and left immediately, expecting nothing. At the bottom were those who rang the doorbell during naptime to deliver unsolicited advice and casseroles containing raisins. There should be a law against inflicting grief platitudes and suspicious dried fruits simultaneously. One afternoon, three families arrived within an hour, each bearing elaborate meals. As the boys watched, I struggled to find fridge space while maintaining a grateful composure. That night, I threw away spoiled food, feeling both ungrateful and overwhelmed. We didn’t need more lasagne; we needed someone to organise the influx and create systems for our actual needs. Elysha’s brother, Christian, became an essential cornerstone. A man in his thirties, he moved in for “Dad, my birthday is only twelve lasagnes away!” readersdigest.com.au 131 Book Review From left, Giorgio, Elysha & Valentino - New York, December 2023. several weeks with neither fanfare nor expectation. He didn’t bring casseroles; he simply stayed. He walked the dog, provided quiet company, and took Giorgio to be fitted for a funeral shirt. This quiet reliability removed daily responsibilities frommy plate without the need for negotiation. Christian asked for nothing – no emotional processing or reciprocal investment. He provided practical support exactly when it was required. Meanwhile, foundational friendships revealed unexpected fragility. Closest friends who messaged daily in the first weeks dwindled to weekly check-ins by month two. By four months, they had stopped entirely. Conversely, a colleague I considered a mere acquaintance emerged as a mainstay. He offered his holiday house when the boys needed an escape, referred us to counsellors, and hosted quiet lunches where conversation balanced work matters with our devastating reality. He never promised what he couldn’t deliver. In contrast, a distant acquaintance cornered me at the grocery store to insist that ‘everything happens for a reason’. I nodded politely, thinking that sometimes the reason is simply that life is a chaotic dumpster fire. I then spent twenty minutes pretending to study pasta sauce brands to avoid further cosmic wisdom. The school community was equally complex. Some parents maintained a careful distance, as if grief were contagious; others provided support without emotional acknowledgement. The Clockwise from top left, Paul, Elysha, Valentino & Giorgio - Hawaii Vow Renewal. From left, Elysha & Paul.