11. “Are you hiding something?”

11. “Are you hiding something?”
Getty Images

The short answer to this question is usually “yes.”

It’s not because we necessarily want to lie to our partners or that we’re inherently dishonest but rather that we think telling little white lies, or withholding the truth, will prevent a huge fight.

Unfortunately, people can often tell when you’re being less than truthful and the fight soon becomes about that.

“Based on my research we’ve found that many people tell white lies to their partner and while the majority of people say that white lies are not okay they still find excuses to say them,” says Jason B. Whiting, Ph.D, LMFT, professor of marriage and family therapy at Texas Tech University and author of Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways We Deceive in Relationships.

The antidote? Honesty.

“Telling the truth, even if it’s hard in the moment, will strengthen trust and make you closer in the long run,” he says.

Advertisement

12. The silent treatment

12. The silent treatment
Getty Images

The silent treatment – rare is the couple that hasn’t had this fight-pretending-not-to-be-a-fight.

But even though you’re not yelling at each other, or even saying a harsh word, this fight can be just as damaging.

This is because the silent treatment allows resentments to build and fester, says Erika Boissiere, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of The Relationship Institute of San Francisco.

“Silence is a wedge that will drive more distance between you the longer it goes on,” she says.

“If you need something from your partner, you must request it. Your partner cannot mind-read your unspoken expectations. It is your job to ask for what you need in a kind, compassionate way.”

13. “Stop throwing the past in my face!”

13. “Stop throwing the past in my face!”
GEtty Images

It’s normal to look for patterns in behaviour, it can help you learn what to expect from others, yet constantly bringing up past mistakes is a sore spot for many couples.

How do you decide when to forgive and forget and when it’s important to remember?

“You can’t expect that when one person does something reckless, threatening, or destructive that their partner will just get over it,” says Wendy Brown, clinical member of the Ontario Society of Psychotherapists and author of Why Love Succeeds.

“Their worries, trauma, and concerns must be addressed before you can move on.”

This doesn’t mean that this fight has to be an endless round robin of accusation, hurt, apology, and resentment though.

“You need to look for ways to openly discuss the past in a calm way—a therapist can be an impartial third party to help you do this,” she says.

This article first appeared on RD.com.

Never miss a deal again - sign up now!

Connect with us: