Staying upbeat and full of cheer at Christmas isn’t easy for some of us. In the 1995 film Home for the Holidays, Claudia Larson returns to her parents’ house where she is confronted by the wacky and difficult realities of family.
“When you go home, do you look around and wonder, Who are these people? and Where did I even come from?” she asks.
According to Andrew Sofin, a US-based couples and family therapist and psychotherapist, these feelings of disconnection are common.
Family etiquette tips
“We create stories around our families,” he says.
“We’ve created this idea about how families are supposed to be quite homogeneous entities. The idea is that your family should reflect who you are, so we take it personally if somebody is different.”
While many simply try to eat the pain away, there are less-fattening coping mechanisms.
“First and foremost, check your expectations at the door,” says Sofin.
Before attending the family Christmas dinner, write down the guest list and add two sentences next to each name: one that says what you like about the person and one that says what you dislike.
“You’ll go into it with a different frame of mind,” he says. If you have an aunt who is particularly nosey, reminding yourself that she is also warm, welcoming and sweet will help you realise that her inquisitiveness stems from the heart.
While there are no hard and fast rules to etiquette, going in with a game plan can make for a winning evening. Here, we break down five of the most common (ahem) challenging personalities you may share table space with this festive season.
Our expert advice will help you deal with any situation with grace, dignity and compassion – or at least make it through to dessert in one piece.
Sometimes a little more than tact and delicacy is necessary to resolve family issues. Check out the do’s and don’ts of settling family feuds.
The all-round expert
We’ve all heard the saying that father knows best.
But whether it’s your dad, uncle, mother or older sister, getting unwanted advice from a family member can trigger feelings of resentment from deep within.
“Family members tend to be much more opinionated with one another than they are with strangers because of the intimacy of family life,” says Sofin.
While some advice givers may be coming from a genuine place of helpfulness, others may use this conversation technique as a way to dominate.
The Game Plan
Be gracious, don’t take anything too personally and remember that their intentions are good – either they really want to help or they’re simply looking for a way to communicate with you.
“Just dealing with that person might be as simple as saying ‘Thank you, I know you care about my well-being, but I’m not concerned about it at this time,’” says Jacqueline Whimore, an etiquette expert.
It isn’t necessary to take their advice to heart, but it is important to appreciate the sentiment.
“Then the other person will feel good, you’re out of the conversation and you can move on to somebody else,” adds Sofin.
If you could get a word in edgewise, over the pointing and rude interrupting, what we really want to know is… what happened to good manners? Check out these 7 common real-life situations and see how you would react.
The over-excited child
The Christmas and New Year holidays mean excitement, which can take a rambunctious child’s behaviour to the next level.
“A lot of the time, kids just want attention,” says Whitmore, adding that indulging them will often soften their behaviour.
“Depending on the age of the child, try bringing them into the conversation,” she says.
The Game Plan
There’s a difference between a child who is behaving badly and one whose behaviour you simply disagree with.
“You might not agree with a child’s fashion statement, but stay out of it,” says Sofin. “It’s not for you to decide.”
On the other hand, if a child is putting themselves or someone else in danger, it’s important to tell them to stop without getting emotional and to let the parents know.
If you just keep very calm and factual, nobody will freak out.
The parents will just say ‘Hey, thank you.’”
In the absence of a kids’ table, request to sit with another relative you’d like to catch up with ahead of time instead of spending an entire meal next to a troublesome tot.
Take a look at these 7 ways kids are annoying – and how you can deal with it.