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Tickled to death

Tickled to death
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Gosh, people really do just stop in their tracks to be quietly amazed and entertained by the people they love, and then file that image away to later craft into funny obituaries and eulogies capable of bringing down the house. Some of these are so pithy they should be written in stone (and some of them were – to make the funniest tombstones that actually exist).

“It pains me to admit it, but apparently I have passed away.”

“It pains me to admit it, but apparently I have passed away.”
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“Everyone told me it would happen one day, but that’s simply not something I wanted to hear, much less experience,” Emily DeBrayda Phillips goes on to explain. Emily DeBrayda Phillips’ obituary is hilariously self-written and self-aware about her existence and end: “If you want to, you can look for me in the evening sunset or with the earliest spring daffodils or among the flitting and fluttering butterflies. You know I’ll be there in one form or another. Of course, that will probably be comfort to some while antagonising others, but you know me…it’s what I do.” She concludes with simple instructions: “If you don’t believe it, just ask me. Oh wait, I’m afraid it’s too late for questions. Sorry.”

“Her last words were ‘tell them that check is in the mail.’”

“Her last words were ‘tell them that check is in the mail.’”
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Jean Larroux III and Hayden Hoffman decided to honour their mother, notable Waffle House patron (and library fine-avoider) Antonia “Toni” Larroux, with an obituary that reads like a standup set. “We started to write a normal [obituary],” Larroux III told HuffPost, before realising “mum would be so ashamed.” Some of its greatest hits include, “She conquered polio as a child, contributing to the nickname ‘polio legs,’ given by her ex-husband. It should not be difficult to imagine the reasons for their divorce 35+ years ago,” and, “She considered Aaron Burrell a distant grandson (not distant enough).” However, the siblings rounded out the seemingly blithe memorial with a rather moving annotation: “On a last but serious note, the woman who loved her life and taught her children to ‘laugh at the days to come’ is now safely in the arms of Jesus and dancing at the wedding feast of the Lamb. Anyone wearing black will not be admitted to the memorial. She is not dead. She is alive.” Who is cutting onions in here?

She sounds like the kind of person who would love the funniest Amazon reviews of all time.

“Bill Brown finally stopped bugging everybody.”

“Bill Brown finally stopped bugging everybody.”
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Rabblerouser Bill Brown’s obituary details his lifelong commitment to mischief, all the way up until he roused his last rabble in October 2013. Notable rabble: “Right to the end, he would do things like racing to beat other oldsters to empty chairs,” and meeting his wife, Ruth, while “trying to scare neighbour kids by acting like a barking dog when he threw open the front door, only to find himself barking at the Avon lady.”

“Your father is a very sick man.” “You have no idea.”

“Your father is a very sick man.” “You have no idea.”
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There is no better legacy than a laugh – and Joe Heller and his daughters all know it. When Heller was born, his daughters note, “God thankfully broke the mould.” The daughters go on to profile the lifelong jester: “His mother was not immune to his pranks as he named his first dog ‘Fart’ so she would have to scream his name to come home. … The family encourages you to don the most inappropriate t-shirt that you are comfortable being seen in public with, as Joe often did.”

These inspiring quotes about family really hit home.

“Faced with the prospect of voting for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, Mary Anne chose to pass into the eternal love of God.”

“Faced with the prospect of voting for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, Mary Anne chose to pass into the eternal love of God.”
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A regular Jane like me or you, Ms Mary Anne Alfriend Noland passed just six months before the 2016 election, to which her obituary references an extreme aversion. She was born, raised, and now rests in Virginia, USA – a swing state.

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“Jesus had a backache only the world’s greatest chiropractor could fix.”

“Jesus had a backache only the world’s greatest chiropractor could fix.”
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Well, it appears Jesus had what could only be described as an unholy kink in his back, and Dr Mark Flanagan was there to make a house call. Not only was Dr Flanagan described as the “world’s greatest chiropractor,” but he also had “more dolphin paraphernalia than a gift shop at one of those places with actual dolphins.”

“Take magazines you’ve already read to your doctor’s office. Do not tear off the mailing label, ‘Because if someone wants to contact me, that would be nice.’”

“Take magazines you’ve already read to your doctor’s office. Do not tear off the mailing label, ‘Because if someone wants to contact me, that would be nice.’”
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This is less the funniest obituary you’ll ever read and more the sweetest obituary you’ll ever read. Mary “Pink” Mullaney’s obituary is chock-full of advice from both the most lovable and loving soul to grace God’s green Earth, apparently: “If a possum takes up residence in your shed, grab a barbecue brush to coax him out. If he doesn’t leave, brush him for 20 minutes and let him stay. Go to church with a chicken sandwich in your purse. Give the chicken sandwich to a homeless friend after mass. Go to a nursing home and kiss everyone. Put picky-eating children at the bottom of the laundry shoot, tell them they are hungry lions in a cage, and feed them veggies through the slats.”

“First Church of God, which she attended for 60 years in spite of praise music and A/V presentations.”

“First Church of God, which she attended for 60 years in spite of praise music and A/V presentations.”
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Betty Jo Passmore passed away in 2014, and her obituary recounts her love of her family, mystery novels, and dark chocolate – and her absolute ire for praise music and A/V presentations. That Ms Passmore used her final stamp on this earthly world to drag out a lifelong beef just a little longer is hilarious and iconic.

Petition to add this to the list of famous last words spoken by iconic people.

“Who the h*** taught her to fly?”

“Who the h*** taught her to fly?”
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Lois Ann Harry’s obituary exposes her as a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. Originally from Idaho Falls – or is she?—Harry’s last confirmed sighting reports her departure from the Homestead wearing dark glasses and an ushanka. “Authorities are baffled by the disappearance of the 88-year-old woman, how she gained access to the aircraft, and who the h*** taught her how to fly,” the obituary reads. Even more baffling are her children’s contradictory assertions of her life: some swear she’s a pastry chef and freelance food critic, a professional gambler and race car driver, a square dancer, a botanist who ran a chain of recreational marijuana dispensaries in Washington state, and more. Ever a woman of mystery, she “loved her life, family, and friends but would prefer that you not follow her to Bermuda.”

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