The world’s dumbest criminals: true stories of the planet’s thickest thieves

A woman tried to rob a grocery store with a can of “gas” spray as her weapon of choice. Luckily, the shop assistant realised it was just deodorant.

A Japanese cross-dresser in Nagoya thought he could avoid detection by donning a school uniform during his criminal acts. Wearing a navy blue miniskirt, white blouse and shoulder-length brown wig, he was spotted bag-snatching from a number of women. Unfortunately for the 24-year-old, Japanese schoolgirls don’t sport a five o’clock shadow; nor are they 175 cm tall. The thief was arrested at a train station.

Using a wheelchair to escape the scene of a crime doesn’t sound sensible, but a Texan duo thought it might be worth a try. Noemi Duchene attempted a knife-point robbery at a jewellery shop while her accomplice, Luis Del Castillo, waited outside with the getaway vehicle – the wheelchair. Duchene, who also lived opposite the shop, was tackled by a customer before she and Del Castillo were able to make a slow escape.

A cashier at a Mumbai shop was surprised when he was handed a credit card in the name of one of Bollywood’s biggest stars. The shopper, who was trying to buy $500 worth of clothes, certainly wasn’t the famous actor named on the card, so the cashier rang the card issuer. The matter was referred to police, who arrested three men on the spot. The gang said they’d “found” the movie idol’s credit card in the street.

Two burglars decided that DIY disguises were the way to go for their planned break and enter. Both Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller scribbled on their faces with a black permanent pen before breaking into an apartment in Iowa. The police caught the pair in their vehicle not long after. Apparently, the less-than-dynamic duo had been under the influence of alcohol. Note to self: don’t drink and draw.

New Zealander William Singalargh was fined for common assault for hurling a hedgehog at a schoolboy. The 27-year-old offender threw the prickly weapon at his target, leaving the boy with a large red welt and four quills lodged in his hip. The deceased hedgehog was taken away as evidence, and Singalargh faced the wrath of animal lovers, who condemned the act.

Taking a pick-and-choose approach left one Chinese burglar feeling very stupid. The thief broke into a well-to-do Hubei home, nabbing thousands of dollars’ worth of jewels. When police questioned him about a couple of diamond jewels, he admitted to flushing them down the toilet, after thinking that they were too big to be genuine.

Two men got into a serious argument. It escalated, and became so heated that one of them eventually called the police. When the two had been calmed down, their identification was taken and… bingo! Both of them turned out to be on the police wanted list, a small but important fact they had forgotten during the dispute.

A Canadian criminal called police to clarify what exactly he had stolen during a break-in. The man said he was upset because police had released the incorrect information, which was reported by the media. It was too easy for the police, who were left with a recorded confession to follow up.

Police arrested a 33-year-old man after he and an accomplice attempted to grab the takings of a fishing gear shop. Instead of snatching the cash drawer, they took off with the computer terminal and left fingerprints, which the police had no problem tracing. How did the police have such good records of the men? The pair had met while doing time in prison.