Happiness doesn’t always require a robust sex life.
While sex may be important for some people, these two women have other priorities in mind: It’s not low libido or a diagnosed disorder that has kept both from having sex in several years.
For these three women it’s about something way more important.
“I’m not looking to be an easy sexual conquest”
Steffanie Rivers, 49
Her story: “I’ve had no sexual contact since 2014 and I’m fine with it. I was in a relationship then but at the time found that most men, regardless of their age, seem immature and focused on sexual conquests above almost anything else. It’s not that my libido is low, it’s that I am not a slave to my sexual urges like so many people are.”
What she’s focusing on: “It’s more important for me to focus on spiritual growth and building a relationship with a man who also exercises self-control. I believe that’s the best way to determine if we are compatible in other ways that—after the sex is no longer brand new—will sustain our relationship for years to come.”
What she’s hoping for in a relationship: “In March, I met Nelson, the love of my life. We travel back and forth to see each other, and we’ve made a decision to abstain from sex until we get married, which we’re planning to do next year. One of my co-workers asked if I had slept with the love of my life yet. When I told her no, she said we should at least once before we got married. But I think that’s a stigma, this idea that women think good sex is all they have to offer in a relationship. And because there are so many women willing to have sex any way any time, men don’t have to wait for a virtuous woman. If more women would remove sex from the relationship and concentrate on being the best person they could be, there would be fewer sexual issues. Anyway, I’m happy to say that Nelson is everything that I’ve ever wanted from a man. He’s a mature, spiritual man who appreciates me for my other qualities than my sexy exterior. When we do engage he won’t be disappointed!”
“I’ve been abstinent for eight years and I’m loving it"
LaQuita Lusk, 32
Her story: “I began my journey of celibacy back in 2009. This began primarily for religious reasons. However, over the years, I have gained control over my libido and am determined to wait until marriage. When I was in my 20s, I went through a period of going in and out of bad relationships. Each relationship left me more broken than before. One morning, driving home from a night out, I literally cried all the way home knowing that the person I was with didn’t love me and probably didn’t like me. It was at that point—and I was just 24—that I decided to stay celibate for a year. I guess that became an eight-plus year plan!”
What she’s focusing on: “I think we all have a desire to be close to another. I also think sex is beautiful, but I have been able to control my urges to be sexually intimate with someone by surrendering those desires.”
What she’s hoping for in a relationship: “My celibacy pact doesn’t stop me from being asked out a lot. I’ve even entertained some of those requests, but not for long as I refuse to compromise. Guys who have approached me have been open about their desires. In my head, I’m like ‘thanks for that piece of info, now I know you’re not the one.’
Interestingly, the family and friends of mine who know about my decision haven’t said anything negative. Once I share my reasoning with them I guess they just get it!”
“I’m an endurance athlete with literally no libido!”
Sara Rogers, 35
Her story: “I haven’t had sex since 2012. I’m an endurance athlete and have about 10 percent body fat—I don’t get a period and have low hormone levels—almost undetectable estrogen and estradiol—so I literally have zero libido!”
What she’s focusing on: “Running, triathlon, and endurance sports are generally really selfish activities. I spend hours training, and spend a lot of money on shoes, races, and travel. When I’m single I have my perfect routine: wake up early, work out, eat my perfect foods, recover; I’m in bed by 9 p.m. and repeat the same schedule the next day. Relationships have always given me more balance in life, and of course it is great to have someone to push you to explore new things and get out of your comfort zone, which I struggle with on my own.”
What she’s hoping for in a relationship: “I would love to date and have sex if the right person came along. In all my past relationships I have become a better person because it helps me to focus less on me and more on the other person. My ideal relationship would be with someone who is not as competitive as I am and is not necessarily as intense with exercise. I think having two serious athletes in a relationship is really hard. What if I get injured and my partner is getting to do all the things I want to be doing? I could see us getting in a rut of only discussing training, racing, and the newest gadgets. I want someone to open me up to other hobbies and other worlds. I want someone who appreciates the hard work I put into training but makes sure I don’t take myself too seriously.”