Make time to listen to your children

Make time to listen to your children
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When parents take the time to listen to their kids and learn to accept and value their feelings, they help make them more resilient. “Kids are more open to listen to us when we listen to them,” says Kenneth Barish, PhD, clinical professor of Psychology in Psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. He suggests putting aside 10 minutes at the end of every day, just to talk. “Ask them about their concerns, about any problems they have had with friends, and repair any anger and misunderstandings they may have.” Listening puts any setbacks into perspective and when we repair anger and misunderstanding, the feelings don’t build up, explains Barish.

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Engage them in the process of solving problems

Engage them in the process of solving problems
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When parents indulge in helicopter parenting, they go as far as to do their child’s homework and complete their projects that they need for class. “Engaging your child is the alternative to helicopter parenting,” says Barish. When your child is having a problem, ask them what they can do to solve it. “Parents don’t offer this often because they are distracted with what they can do to solve the problem. Engaging them changes the channel and encourages the child to solve the problem and in turn, strengthens their problem-solving skills.

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Encourage a growth mindset

Encourage a growth mindset
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Research shows there are two types of mindsets – fixed and growth. With a fixed mindset – “I’m smart” or “I’m not smart” – every failure means you are not smart. In a growth mindset, every failure is an opportunity, explains Barish. With a fixed mindset, a child that doesn’t get a good grade in math believes that he shouldn’t do math. A fixed mindset leads to anxiety and pressure, while a growth mindset leads to a passion for learning. “The growth mindset is a powerful tool,” says Barish. With a growth mindset, you have to think that intelligence and talent are muscles that get better and stronger with use. When a child doesn’t do well, they don’t get discouraged, they say “if I work harder, I’ll get smarter.”

Increase their emotional vocabulary

Increase their emotional vocabulary
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We all want our kids to be emotionally smart, so it’s important for kids at an early age to be able to express themselves and talk about what they are feeling, says Lynn Lyons, LICSW, a clinical social worker and psychotherapist. Increasing a child’s emotional vocabulary gives them more words to express themselves. “To create emotional resilience in kids we want them to have the gradations,” says Lyons. The more words they have to choose from – happy, mad, content, angry – the more able they are to discriminate between feelings and better describe how they feel and express themselves.

Don’t overdo the praise

Don’t overdo the praise
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Praise is like oxygen, you can’t go without it, says Barish, and if we praise effort, rather than intelligence, we don’t have to be afraid of praise. Studies have shown that too much praise from parents can have negative effects, and even make kids narcissistic. “Don’t praise a kid for getting an A, praise them for how hard they worked,” says Barish. He also suggests that parents make the praise specific. In sports, you can praise a child for the effort they made going after the ball, he explains. “Maybe you didn’t get there, but you went after it.”

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Don’t overindulge

Don’t overindulge
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From toys to attention to endless activities, giving too much of anything to your child can have damaging effects. Research shows that when overindulged children become adults, their basic skills, self-esteem, confidence, morals and emotions can be affected. Some researchers believe that overindulgence is a form of child neglect because it can prevent a child from learning necessary life skills. “Kids should learn the principle of earning,” says Barish. “I see kids who are not working hard in school, yet they get extravagantly expensive things.” The alternative to overindulgence, explains Barish, is to teach children that they don’t get what they want all they time. “When they want something they have to earn it.”

Have them help others

Have them help others
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From helping out an elderly neighbour to donating food to a local food bank, teaching children to care for and help others is an important part of growing up. Research shows that kids benefit when they receive tutoring from their peers. “Third graders can take the time to read to kindergartners,” says Barish. It teaches them that they have something to offer and gives them a sense of realistic self-esteem. He says that community service is also important. “They should do community service not just so it looks good on a job application, but because a real form of helping others is good for self-esteem and emotional maturity.”

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Be wary of criticism

Be wary of criticism
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While parents may think criticism can be helpful, criticism makes children angry and defiant and it sets up a vicious cycle, says Barish. “They become rude and disrespectful and we criticise them for being rude and disrespectful.” When they are not feeling angry and discouraged, children want to do well and earn the praise of their parents. The best way to remedy the cycle of anger and resentment is to engage in patient and respectful listening.

Focus on “how” rather than “why”

Focus on “how” rather than “why”
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Managing emotions is an important element in raising resilient kids but you need to know how to negotiate through emotional reactions. When a child is upset or sad, we want to promote action toward a situation, says Lyon. Instead of asking your child “why are you so upset?” ask them “how can we resolve this situation?” If your sibling breaks your favourite toy, you tell your child that it’s OK to be mad, but what do we do next to deal with the mad? They also have to learn to recognise normal emotions, says Lyon. “If you suffer a loss, you will feel sad, or if you take your driver’s test, you will feel anxious.” Emotional management is being able to practice different reactions. “But sometimes there is no action,” explains Lyon. “If your kitty dies, you have to tolerate feeling sad, and discuss that maybe we will get another kitty.”

Don’t be too quick to reassure

Don’t be too quick to reassure
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When a child is worried or feeling distress it’s important not to be too quick to reassure – sometimes it’s OK to worry. “Culturally we are into not letting our kids feel any distress,” says Lyons. For example, when kids tell their parents they are worried they about failing a test, a reaction of many parents is to tell them they “won’t fail” the test. “Rather than stepping away or having the parent step in and say ‘it’s all OK’ we have to let them feel uncomfortable so they can manage the situation,” says Lyon. “If they still struggle, we need to love them and support them rather than remove the struggle completely.”

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