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Two Left Feet
Two Left Feet
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Our six-year-old does a lot of trash talking for someone who puts his shoes on the wrong feet 30 per cent of the time. —@dad_in_brief

Time is a Construct
Time is a Construct
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Sorry we’re late. I let my kid tie his own shoes.

—@Mom_Overboard

Unsolved Mysteries
Unsolved Mysteries
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If I, as a mum, don’t know where something is in this house, it means it’s gone forever.

—@momtruths2btold

Strange Habits
Strange Habits
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I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time.

—@PetrickSara

No Rest for the Wicked
No Rest for the Wicked
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Friend: What’s that thing where you’re always tired but can never get rest?

Me: Parenthood. —@MyMomologue

A Real Relic
A Real Relic
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Seven-year-old: “Wow, this must be an antique! It’s from way back in the 1900s!”

Me: “Okay, calm down. It’s from 1997.”

—@maughammom

Picky Eaters
Picky Eaters
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My favourite thing about buying food in bulk is when my kids immediately decide that they now hate that food. —@bluebonetbabies

Three Stars
Three Stars
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She poops too much: my son’s review of his new baby sister. —@UnfilteredMama

Practice Makes Perfect
Practice Makes Perfect
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Prepare your spouse for parenthood by waking them up at 3 am to tell them it’s not raining and then demand some cheese. —@MacgyveringM22

Pressing Matters
Pressing Matters
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Real question my kids got out of bed to ask me: “Mum, do you have any twigs I can use?”

—@ashleyaustrew

A Love of Literature
A Love of Literature
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Six-year-old: *checks out another Star Wars book from the school library*

Me: Why do you always get Star Wars books?

Six-year-old: I only read the classics.

—@Xplodingunicorn

Personal Chef
Personal Chef
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Before having kids: “I am NEVER making separate meals for my children.”

Four years later: “Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yoghurt two ways, Cheez-Its.”

—@bretjturner

Fish have Feelings
Fish have Feelings
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Son: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish.

[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to break from reality.]

Son: [Suddenly stops] Wait. Have I ever had fish?

—@DadandBuried

Call the Croc Hunter
Call the Croc Hunter
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Recently, a little boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, “Hi! I am Crocodile” and pretended to eat the other kid with his arms. I have never been prouder.

—@karencheee

A New Godzilla
A New Godzilla
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My four-year-old is insisting he’ll only eat “monster food,” and whatever that is, it’s definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just made.

—@Dadpression

A Personalised Bath
A Personalised Bath
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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature. He thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bathwater.

—@Adam__Melia

Door Jam
Door Jam
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In my experience, when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 more times by a small child.

—@mommajessiec

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk
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Four-year-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.

Me: A little or a lot?

Four-year-old: A tiny bit.

Me: Okay.

Four-year-old: But that tiny bit went everywhere.

—@Distracted_Dad

Public Enemy
Public Enemy
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I told my daughter that showing her chewed-up food to her brother in public is gross, and she said, “Well I’m not here for the people.”

— Saladin Ahmed, writer

Eat Your Veggies
Eat Your Veggies
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“The carrots are working!”—My six-year-old son, finding his shoes in a dark room.

—@whatbabytalk

Make It Rain
Make It Rain
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*Making macaroni and cheese*

Five-year-old: I wanna put the cheese in!

Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you very carefully pour this in?

Five-year-old: *Just waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding*

—@copymama

No Paparazzi, Please!
No Paparazzi, Please!
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Me to a kid in the elevator holding a stuffed pig: Hey! Is that a pig?

Kid: He doesn’t like you.

Me: How can I make him like me?

Kid: If you stop asking questions.

—Helen Rosner, food writer

A Real Bad Boy
A Real Bad Boy
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One of the weirdest things people would ask me when my kid was younger was, “Is he a good baby?”

Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I’m not looking.

—Anne Thériault, writer

Roll With It
Roll With It
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Today my child is upset by “All the stuff that doesn’t have wheels.”

—@MyMomologue

On Repeat
On Repeat
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If you’re on the fence about having kids, I suggest you listen to the same YouTube clip for five days straight, then see how you feel.

—@ramblinma

Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too
Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too
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Three-year-old: *face covered in frosting*

Me: Were you eating cake?

Three-year-old: No. I just kissed it.

—@XplodingUnicorn

Animals are Friends
Animals are Friends
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[Making pigs in a blanket]

Six-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

Six-year-old: Nobody you know in a blanket.

—@XplodingUnicorn

Future Biologist
Future Biologist
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Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.

Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only body parts that have a pit?

Me: Just go to sleep.

—@Pork_Chop_Hair

Strange Cookbook
Strange Cookbook
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Eight-year-old: How come you only cook food that I hate?

Me: Well, for starters, I keep a secret recipe book called Meals Kids Hate.

Eight-year-old: …

Me: …

Eight-year-old: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it!

—@LurkAtHomeMom

Conspiracy Theorist
Conspiracy Theorist
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The best joke I heard this week was from my 11-year-old nephew: “Gender was invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.”

—@waxpancake

Philosopher in the Making
Philosopher in the Making
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My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me, “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun

Mr. Know-It-All
Mr. Know-It-All
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Me: Time for bed.

Four-year-old: No, it’s not.

Me: You can’t tell time.

Four-year-old: I can tell you’re wrong.

—@XplodingUnicorn

Strange Stalker
Strange Stalker
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Sometimes I miss having a toddler, but then I hear one throwing a tantrum because “The moon keeps following me,” and I think, “Yeah, I’m good.”

—@FatherWithTwins

Helping Hand
Helping Hand
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Me, the first time my kid tries to help out: “Oh, that’s so nice. Thank you.”

Me, every other time since: “Pal, get out of the dishwasher. We need to leave in less than an hour.”

—@thedad

Condiment Lover
Condiment Lover
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Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.

Son: Slowly squeezes tomato sauce into stew without breaking eye contact.

—@KateWhineHall

A Message From Beyond the Grave
A Message From Beyond the Grave
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Me: *dies*

My kids: *using the Ouija board*

H-I

M-O-M

W-H-A-T

A-R-E

Y-O-U

M-A-K-I-N-G

F-O-R

D-I-N-N-E-R?

—@Carbosly

Guessing Game
Guessing Game
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A children’s birthday party game: guess which guests are contagious. —@PetrickSara

Daily Motivation
Daily Motivation
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Instead of brushing her teeth like I asked, my five-year-old went to the bathroom, lay down in front of the toilet and took a nap. I guess what I’m trying to say is she’s my new life coach.

—@daddysdigest

Back-Handed Compliment
Back-Handed Compliment
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Daughter: What’s nostalgia?

Wife: It’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[Later] Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: Aww, we missed you!

Daughter: [whispering] Nostalgia.

—@NewDadNotes

Hamper Damper
Hamper Damper
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How to stay on top of the laundry when you have two or more kids:

  1. You can’t.
  2. Find a new dream. —@MacgyveringM22

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Source: RD.ca

 

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