Asking if they have a specific condition
Even if you suspect a loved one or acquaintance has an issue, you shouldn’t call it out or play Dr Phil. Questions like this can feel intrusive, especially if someone isn’t ready to share. “I have PTSD from finding a loved one after they ended their life, and unfortunately sometimes the PTSD does get triggered in my daily life,” says Almeria Anderson. “But it never helps to have someone point it out or try to diagnose me, like why I’m crying in certain situations. I have a great trauma therapist – that’s his job.”
Say this instead: “I can see you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it, or should I change the subject?” Anderson says that a good friend said this to her after she randomly burst into tears at the gym, and then jokingly offered to moon the group to create a distraction so the attention wouldn’t be on her. “It was honestly the nicest thing,” she says.
Trying to put things into perspective
When someone is telling you what’s wrong in their life, it can be oh-so-tempting to offer the opposite perspective by pointing out all the things that are good in their life. But this can come across as invalidating and make them feel embarrassed or ashamed of their normal emotions, says Bhasin. And while having an optimistic outlook can be a powerful tool in dealing with mental health challenges, it generally needs to come from the person themselves or by working with a trained counsellor, says Dr Rabin.
“If I could just choose to ‘get over it,’ I would have by now,” says Jenkins. “Telling me not to ‘worry so much’ isn’t a magic wand that stops the anxiety.”
“My husband said to me, ‘Yes, this person died, but look how many of us are alive here with you. Focus on that,’” says Anderson. “I understood the sentiment, but in the rawness of my grief, it just hurt. I can do both – miss my loved one who died and intensely love all those who are still with me. It’s not either/or. Just because someone is sad doesn’t mean they can’t also be grateful.”
Say this instead: “Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I’d be honoured to sit in this moment with you and just listen.” Above all, says Dr Rabin, let them know they’re allowed to feel that way. “Instead of pointing out all their blessings, just listen nonjudgmentally.”
Expressing disbelief at the difficulty of a situation
When you say you can’t believe something happened, you may feel like you’re validating the other person’s feelings and commiserating with them – after all, of course you know it happened – but it’s not the right way to go here. This was a sentiment that Anderson said she heard a lot after her loved one’s suicide, and it was particularly painful. “Again, I know people meant well, but it made me feel ‘outside’ or ‘othered,’” she says. “I know that my experience is relatively rare, but saying you can’t believe it’s real makes me feel bad. My real life isn’t ‘real,’ I guess.”
The other person’s lived experiences may be so far out of your personal experience that you can’t (or don’t want to) believe they really happened, but expressing disbelief is invalidating and can make them less likely to reach out for help. Even if you don’t literally mean “I don’t believe you,” saying this still isn’t the best way to be supportive.
Say this instead: “What a horrible thing to have gone through. I’m so sorry.” Tone is everything when it comes to this kind of statement, says Bhasin, and a statement like this can avoid any potential misunderstandings.
Here are some steps you should take to heal from a traumatic experience.
