40 funny tweets about parenting that will make your day

Six-year-old: *checks out another Star Wars book from the school library*

Me: Why do you always get Star Wars books?

Six-year-old: I only read the classics.

—@Xplodingunicorn

Before having kids: “I am NEVER making separate meals for my children.”

Four years later: “Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yoghurt two ways, Cheez-Its.”

—@bretjturner

Son: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish.

[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to break from reality.]

Son: [Suddenly stops] Wait. Have I ever had fish?

—@DadandBuried

Recently, a little boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, “Hi! I am Crocodile” and pretended to eat the other kid with his arms. I have never been prouder.

—@karencheee

My four-year-old is insisting he’ll only eat “monster food,” and whatever that is, it’s definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just made.

—@Dadpression

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature. He thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bathwater.

—@Adam__Melia

In my experience, when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 more times by a small child.

—@mommajessiec

Four-year-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.

Me: A little or a lot?

Four-year-old: A tiny bit.

Me: Okay.

Four-year-old: But that tiny bit went everywhere.

—@Distracted_Dad

I told my daughter that showing her chewed-up food to her brother in public is gross, and she said, “Well I’m not here for the people.”

— Saladin Ahmed, writer

“The carrots are working!”—My six-year-old son, finding his shoes in a dark room.

—@whatbabytalk