The 15 relationship questions marriage counsellors get asked the most

“This is probably the misconception many people walk in with – that one partner will express to me how they feel, and then I’ll help translate that for their partner to get them on board with the first partner’s needs,” says social worker, Lynn R. Zakeri. While she will help translate, she does it for both parties, she says. One scenario might be that the wife always gets mad when the husband hangs out with his friends. His agenda is that she be more understanding; hers is that he should hang out with her instead. “My role is to get to the underlying feelings about this,” she says. Does she not feel prioritised? Does he feel she is too controlling? Is there a lack of trust? “These questions help them get past the idea that going out with friends is a defining moment of the relationship,” she says.

“When there’s been a major betrayal like an affair, friends and family leap to the defence of the cheated-on partner,” says marriage and family therapist, Jill Whitney.  “They’re mad at the person who was unfaithful and usually tell the betrayed person to leave the relationship.” However, Whitney advises the betrayed partner to politely ask people to back off. “They can say something like, ‘I appreciate your support and that you want to protect me. But I need to figure this out myself. Chris and I are seeing a therapist. I want to see if we can make it work. Please keep loving me, but give me space to decide what’s best for me.”

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“Even if you’ve been married a long time, you shouldn’t expect to your spouse to know what you’re thinking,” says social worker, Sarah Mandel. “Nothing is better than communication when you’re unsure what your partner needs [or your needs aren’t being met]. These are some of the skills that I help my couples with when they experience this frustration with each other.” If you want to understand your spouse, ask for clarification and give each other the benefit of the doubt, she says. “Both of you want the same thing – a happy marriage and to be understood,” she says. When you speak, focus on each other and the conversation, without being defensive. “Express your feelings, but also listen to your partner’s needs, too,” she says.

“My role is to provide a framework in which a couple can unpack their relational issues, look at them from a number of angles and consider their options as well as the consequences of acting on these options,” says Dr Paul Hokemeyer, an internationally renowned clinical and consulting psychotherapist.” He says that 90 per cent of the time, couples turn to him when their relationship is in a crisis. That’s why you can’t rush things. “This process takes time. During this time, I help the couple improve their relationship. So, even if they decide to break up, they do so with grace, dignity, and respect for one another and the family members who’ll be impacted.”

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No one is a mind reader, but couples still make assumptions. “It’s easy for him to misinterpret what you want and need,” says psychotherapist and relationship coach, Toni Coleman. “I tell couples they need to find ways to get their message across clearly.” She says that usually involves verbal and nonverbal communication that is consistent and avoids mixed messages. “You may not always get what you ask for, but it’s important to ask. Then you can negotiate and compromise from there.”

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Source: RD.com