Quit the blame game
When something goes wrong, we naturally start looking for a person to blame – and that person is often ourselves. But feeling guilty won’t help the situation. Remember that the world is complex, and often a whole series of events contributed to what went wrong, says psychotherapist Fran Walfish. Don’t bear (or assign) all the blame for the outcome, but accept that bad things happen, no matter how hard you try.
Sometimes things are beyond your control. You are just one person, and you weren’t meant to bear the world’s problems. Just do your best and be who you are, and realise that it isn’t your responsibility to fix every problem in society.
Get to the root of your guilt
Do some soul-searching and figure out why you’re feeling guilty (this, as opposed to ruminating over it), says marriage and family counsellor Jameela Jackson. If you feel like you should be volunteering at your kids’ school more, ask yourself why you haven’t. Have other parents made comments that make you feel like you’re not doing enough? You know what’s best for you and your family, so getting to the bottom of your guilt will help you find an effective way to address what, if anything, you need to do.
If you’ve been harbouring feelings of guilt from wronging someone however, especially a parent or older relative, say something. You’ll feel better if you get those feelings out in the open, rather than feeling regret when it’s too late.
Give yourself a true retreat
A holiday is hardly a holiday if you spend the entire time thinking about what productive things you should be doing instead. When you feel those thoughts creeping in, remind yourself why you took a break in the first place. After all, getting away from the anxiety of your daily grind is a much-needed break that will help you get back to feeling refreshed, Walfish says.
Be a friend to yourself
Looking out for yourself isn’t selfish – it’s healthy. Sometimes we feel guilty for taking care of ourselves, but not only is self-care important it will also help you be a better caretaker to others, says Walfish. Remember the oxygen mask analogy? You can’t help others if you can’t breathe first.
One way to be more forgiving of yourself is to see your mistakes from someone else’s perspective, Jackson says. Pretend that your friend is facing a similar issue – would you want that person to internalise those feelings? The truth is you’re probably being harder on yourself than anyone would expect or want, so give yourself the same benefit of the doubt that you’d allow anyone else, she says.
Correct your mistakes
Sometimes we spend more energy beating ourselves up for our mistakes than we do making them right. Instead of wasting time feeling guilty, accept your mistake and do your best to make it right, Jackson says. If you feel bad that you went shopping instead of playing outside with your kids over the weekend, take them to the park this evening.
Just say “no”
Other people’s reactions can make you feel guilty, even when you weren’t in the wrong, Walfish says. Maybe you need a quiet day to yourself when a high-maintenance friend calls with another crisis. Saying “no” isn’t a bad thing, it’s a good way to set boundaries and protect your mental health, she says. In fact, you’ll probably find yourself able to give better advice if you don’t feel so much pressure.
Make a practice of saying no at least once a day. You’ll regain control over your life and realise you don’t have to feel guilty every time you refuse an extra burden.
Once you’ve done everything you can to make a situation right, it’s time to forgive yourself, Jackson says. Start by making amends if you hurt someone – write a letter, apologise face-to-face, or commit to making a change. Once you feel like you’ve made a positive step, it will be easier to give yourself permission to forgive yourself. Then you can look ahead, not behind.
Ruminating over the things you can’t change won’t solve anything – it just lets feelings eat away at you. Learn from your past mistakes, and use them to make a positive change to your own life and others around you.
Get someone else’s perspective
If you’re kicking yourself over a specific incident, bring it up with a friend or relative who was there. You might be remembering the situation incorrectly, and a loved one can help remind you of the context and see your actions in a more forgiving light, she says.
Ignore the guilt trip
The only person you can control is yourself, so if a parent, partner or boss is making you feel awful, start by taking control of your own reaction. Apologise sincerely and make amends if necessary, but don’t let someone else define how your mistake should make you feel, Walfish says. At the end of the day, you’re the only one in charge of your feelings.
Know your gifts make up for your failures
You might not be gifted in every area, but you do have talents to offer and those are important, Jackson says. Maybe you don’t always make healthy homemade meals, but you have never missed your kids’ soccer games. Even if you aren’t the type to make big romantic gestures, your partner probably knows you will always listen and say the right thing when something happens.
Keep a guilt journal or write lists
As soon as guilty feelings start to nag, jot them down in a journal. Record the time, day and why you feel bad, then revisit your entries every couple of weeks. Look for any trends that might help explain the underlying reasons for your guilt.
You are probably your own worst critic, so it’s easy to ignore your good qualities and focus on what you do wrong, says Walfish. But being secure and happy with yourself can do wonders in fighting against that inner critic. Write down 10 things you love about yourself, and pull it out whenever you’re feeling inadequate.
Also, write down your top three priorities, whether it’s your kids, your partner, your career, your spirituality, or your health. If you start feeling guilty about something you didn’t do, pull out your list. Not in your top three? Not worth the guilt trip.
Remember: moderation is OK
Quit feeling guilty over your indulgences, Walfish says. Red wine may help your heart, dark chocolate is full of antioxidants, and popcorn is packed with fibre. A little treat won’t kill you so give yourself permission to enjoy those little luxuries.
But maybe you want to unwind without booze. Here are 10 healthy alternatives to alcohol.
Set aside time to feel guilty
Take 5 minutes to let those guilty feelings come to you. Now either remedy that problem (give your mum a call, or carve out time for the gym), or take it as a lived-and-learned lesson and forgive yourself, Jackson says.
Repeat a mantra
If you start feeling like you aren’t worthy of your success, hang a sign that says, “I deserve this” by your desk. If you start feeling like a fake for what you’ve achieved, repeat the saying 15 times and remember all the hard work that got you there.
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Excerpt from the book Stealth Health.