20 myths about sex you still believe

“Women heat up like crockpots while men are like microwaves” is a popular way to explain the supposed difference in how the genders respond to foreplay. The truth? It turns out that there is absolutely no difference in the time it takes men and women to reach peak arousal, according to a study done by McGill University. The researchers used thermal imaging rather than relying on self-reporting, which may mean that if you think it takes you a lot longer to get turned on than it does your husband, the cause may be more mental than physical. Trouble getting turned on? Wait for nighttime; science says the best time to have sex is right before bed.

Is the thing that’s preventing pregnancy also preventing you from getting any in the bedroom? Hormones influence our sex drive and birth control pills alter a woman’s hormone levels, so it makes sense that being on the pill might have an effect on her sex drive. But this popular belief is flat wrong: Taking the pill has no influence on a woman’s sex drive, according to a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Another popular birth control myth is that condoms make sex less pleasurable; a separate study done by Indiana University found that both men and women reported more sexual pleasure when using contraception (likely because they were less worried about the consequences).

Thanks to a blackout, a blizzard, a bomb scare, or some other factor that lands you stuck at home with no lights and no Internet, you decide you’ve got to entertain yourselves by getting busy in the bedroom, right? (And hey, you’re just trying to stay warm!) While this sounds like a fun plot to a rom-com, “blackout babies” are an urban legend, says S. Philip Morgan, a Duke University professor of sociology and demography and author of a study looking at the effects of these events on birth rates. The data simply doesn’t support the idea of a “blackout baby boom,” he says.

Much has been said about the dangers of sexting – and those are very real, especially in casual relationships. But when done in a committed, secure relationship, texting can take your sex life from rote to raging, according to a study from Drexel University. Sending sexual messages and pictures to your significant other increases not only your sexual satisfaction but also your overall happiness in your relationship, says Emily Stasko, MS, MPH, lead author of the study.  The committed relationship part is key, however, as people who identified in the study as single found that sexting had the opposite effect, reducing sexual satisfaction.

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Intercourse simply means there is penetration; having sex can, and should, include so much more than that, says Melissa Coats, a licensed professional counsellor and sex therapist. Sex has an emotional component and encompasses a wide variety of sexual activities, which may or may not include intercourse, she explains. Conflating the two can cause a lot of trouble for couples dealing with things like pain during intercourse, erectile dysfunction, or past traumas. “It’s a myth that every time you have sex, it must include intercourse or it somehow doesn’t count,” she says.

“A very common sex myth people believe is that you’ll be able to tell if someone has an STD by looking at them,” says Robert Huizenga, MD, author of Sex, Lies & STDs. The truth is that many sexually transmitted infections don’t show outward symptoms or may not show up until much later. There’s no substitute for getting a medical screening and being totally honest about the results with your partner – and expecting the same transparency from them, he says.

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Has Hollywood sold you on the desirability of being a “sugar daddy” or “cougar”? Don’t believe it. Having a May-December relationship isn’t ideal and, in fact, is detrimental to both partners, according to a study published in the Review of Economics and Statistics. They found that those married to much younger or older spouses have lower earnings, lower cognitive abilities, are less educated, and – to completely annihilate the stereotype – are less physically attractive than couples of similar ages. Oh, and the sex is worse too.

Delayed ejaculation – meaning when men struggle to have orgasms in conventional ways due to a reliance on porn and masturbation – is way more common than you think, says Cyndi Darnell, an Australian clinical sexologist and sex and relationship therapist. Both men and women can become so accustomed to a certain kind of pressure and speed from stimulating themselves that they find it difficult or even impossible to orgasm with a real-life partner, she explains. A reliance on porn can also give you unrealistic expectations of how your partner should look and act, another mood killer in the bedroom.

Hooking up with your ex not only makes your breakup more complicated but also could even help you move on, finds a study, published in The Archives of Sexual Behaviour. “This suggests that societal hand-wringing regarding… sex with an ex may not be warranted,” the researchers concluded. “The fact that sex with an ex is found to be most eagerly pursued by those having difficulty moving on, suggests that we should… evaluate people’s motivations behind pursuing sex with an ex.”

“I’ve heard a lot of myths about sex toys, such as they can ‘break’ you or ruin you for ‘real’ sex,” says Stella Harris, certified intimacy educator and sex coach and author of Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships. “It’s not cheating if you bring toys or masturbation into your partnered sex! Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes, even if it’s their own. Don’t hesitate to touch yourself during sex, or encourage your partner to do so.” As long as they are used in moderation sex toys won’t reduce your genital sensitivity or do other physical damage. You do need to be careful, however, to pick only sex toys that are safe and non-toxic. Silicone, steel, Pyrex, glass or specially laminated wood are the only materials certified as safe for use inside your body, according to a Yale University review.