13 ‘polite’ ways you’re talking about mental health that are actually rude

TikTok, Instagram, Facebook and the like are full of people talking about mental health – both those who are experiencing mental-health challenges and experts with letters after their names. This increased awareness is great for changing the conversation around mental health, being more open about these common issues and helping us learn how to be happier, but when these conversations are done wrong, they can hurt the very people they are meant to help.

“Language, regardless of whether it’s used on social media or in person, is power,” says belonging and leadership expert Ritu Bhasin. “There is an epidemic of stigma around mental illness, and the way we speak about it has the power to either reinforce that or break it.”

Even if you’re trying to discuss mental health with care and you would never use flat-out offensive terms, navigating this topic can still be difficult. In fact, some of the “polite” things you may be saying are not as polite as you think they are. So how do you avoid this minefield? We asked experts and real-life people with mental-health challenges to share what they wish you wouldn’t say – and what to say instead.

“The word struggling carries a very negative connotation, and the truth is, you don’t actually know what someone else’s journey with their mental health is like,” says Bhasin. Sometimes mental health can feel like a struggle, but don’t assume that – let them tell you how they are feeling, and then use the word or words they choose during your talk.

Amy Alexander, a 31-year-old who has lived experience with clinical depression, agrees: “Struggling makes it sound like it’s something I can overcome or fight against, but in reality, depression is just something I live with. Some days it’s better, some days it’s not, but if you sincerely ask, I will tell you.”

Say this instead: “My sister has lived experience with depression.” Or if you’re talking to someone with issues of their own, try: “Are you experiencing depression right now?” This change acknowledges the wide range of experiences people have with mental-health challenges, says Bhasin.

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We know, you’re trying to be helpful, particularly if you’ve dealt with similar issues. But unless someone has specifically asked you for advice, your ‘helpful tips’ are more likely to make them feel frustrated or like you aren’t really hearing them. And feeling heard is one of the things people with mental-health challenges crave the most, says psychiatrist and neuroscientist, Dr Dave Rabin.

“If learning how to meditate or do yoga was going to cure my crippling anxiety, don’t you think I’d have done it by now?” asks Mark Jenkins, a 26-year-old who has been diagnosed with social anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. “I get that people mean well, but they’re not going to cure me by telling me to drink more water or take vitamin D. Trust that I have heard it all.”

Say this instead: “Your anxiety sounds really tough. What can I do to support you right now?” This, however, should be said within the context of a larger conversation. The key is to ask how they are feeling and how you can best support them, and then listen to their answer, says Dr Rabin. If they mention they’d like suggestions, then you can bring it up, but be prepared that they may simply want you to listen, not try to solve their problems.

If you do have personal experience with the same issues, you can mention what worked for you in the context of your own journey, adds Bhasin. For instance, “Are you open to hearing about something that helped me? I also live with social anxiety, and I’ve found guided meditations to be helpful in calming down from a panic attack. What have you found that helps you?”

There’s a fine line between empathy and hijacking someone else’s experience. “Even if you have been diagnosed with the same thing as someone else, your experience of it will still be different,” explains Bhasin. “Assuming it’s the same for them can be hurtful.”

If you share a similar mental-health challenge, there can be a special camaraderie, humour and bonding in talking about it, but even then, steer clear of saying, “I know how you feel.” You can share your own experiences; just be careful to avoid one-upmanship, says Jenkins.

Say this instead: focus on validating their experience, says Dr Rabin. Let them tell you how they feel, and then mirror their language back to them. Try something like: “I hear you saying that you’re having a lot of dark days – what does that feel like for you?” If you do relate to them, simply say that: “That’s so relatable” or “Wow, do I feel that!” Whether you’ve had a serious conversation or not, it can be a nice gesture to follow up the next day with a “thinking of you” message.

“You have my sympathy” has been a go-to for people wanting to convey caring and love in a respectful, noninvasive way. And while it’s not the worst phrase on this list, it’s simple to learn a different way of expressing that same sentiment. “You want to show you are sympathetic to their mental-health challenges, but these days, sympathy can come across as minimising or patronising,” says Bhasin.

“It feels a little bit like the ‘thoughts and prayers’ trope,” says Jenkins. “Kinda meaningless and, depending on the person, inauthentic.”

Empathy is still a great word to use, but remember that it is reserved for experiences you share, so unless you also share similar mental-health challenges, don’t use this one either.

Say this instead: “Thank you for sharing that with me” or “My heart goes out to you” are both better alternatives, says Dr Rabin. Another option: “I see you hurting. How can I help?”

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While it is true that everyone feels a range of different emotions, they only become mental illness when they directly affect your ability to live your normal life, says Dr Rabin. And there’s a big difference between having some difficult days and feeling so overwhelmed by sadness or anxiety that you can’t work, take care of your family or enjoy your life. “Saying this often comes across as dismissive and can be harmful to the process of what that individual needs in the moment,” Dr Rabin says.

So, yes, everyone does get sad and worried – but not everyone gets so sad or worried that they can’t function. Sound familiar? Use these tips to manage anxiety and panic disorder.

Say this instead: “I’ve never experienced what you’ve been through, but I would like to hear about your experience with depression if you want to talk. If you don’t feel like talking, I’m happy to just sit here and be with you, if you like.”

Trying to anticipate a loved one’s practical challenges that stem from their mental health can be a great act of kindness – as long as it isn’t based on incorrect assumptions. “Even if you know someone is living with a mental-health challenge, don’t assume they aren’t well,” Bhasin says. “And if you don’t know, you should not ask. Wait for them to tell you if they want to.”

“When I was in recovery from my eating disorder, my boyfriend really wanted to help, and while I appreciated him looking out for me, his constant comments made me feel on edge and embarrassed,” says Mariah Lee, a 19-year-old who has lived experience with anorexia. “He was always trying to manage me, whether it was bringing me snacks everywhere, telling people not to offer me certain foods or refusing to eat in front of me so I wouldn’t feel triggered.”

Say this instead: “I don’t want to assume, but if anything about this feels challenging today, just let me know what I can do to support you, and I’ve got your back.”

One important note: this is not true for someone who is a danger to themselves or others. In those situations, you should take steps to help them immediately.

A person’s mental illness doesn’t define them. Moreover, it exists on a spectrum and can be better or worse depending on the day, says Dr Rabin. You can be sensitive to what someone is going through, but it’s important not to assume how they will act or what they will want based on their mental-health challenges.

“When I couldn’t make it on a work outing, my boss was immediately like, ‘Oh, right, you wouldn’t come because you’re depressed and you don’t like doing things in big groups,’ but it was actually just a scheduling conflict,” says Alexander. “And nothing about my depression means I don’t like being around people!”

Say this instead: rephrase this as a question and don’t assume the other person wouldn’t want to be included. For instance, in Alexander’s case it would have been more helpful if her boss had simply asked, “I’d love for you to come to the work retreat – is there anything I can do to support you in attending?” Or if you’re speaking to a friend: “Hey, we’re getting together this weekend. Would you want to join us?” The important part is not to judge or cajole them for their answer, says Dr Rabin.

“After rain, comes the rainbow.” “Every cloud has a silver lining.” “Everything happens for a reason!” We could go on, but we’ll stop there. A common reaction to hearing other people’s challenges is to offer a hopeful or inspiring comment, but these insta-memes can come across as minimising, patronising and simplistic, says Bhasin. “This is more about you not wanting to feel uncomfortable and less about helping them,” she notes.

“I don’t feel stronger from my experience at all,” says Anderson. “In fact it kind of broke me, and having people tell me that I should be stronger somehow makes me feel like I’m failing or something.” Here’s how to set boundaries if people are unintentionally hurting your feelings with these phrases.

Say this instead: “That sounds so painful. I’m sorry you’re going through this. How can I support you right now?” Listen to their feelings, and don’t try to “fix” them with these types of sayings, says Bhasin.

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Comparing a mental-health challenge to a non-mental-health challenge is apples to oranges, and while you may be trying to find a way to connect, a bad comparison is more likely to make the person feel disconnected from you, says Bhasin. This doesn’t mean your experiences are invalid – living with diabetes or cancer or gambling debt can all be incredibly difficult experiences – but it doesn’t make them relevant to this particular conversation.

Say this instead: “I’ve never experienced PTSD, but it sounds really difficult. What’s something you would like me to understand about it?” If you don’t understand what someone else is going through, say that. Depending on your relationship with the person, you can also ask questions.