How to tell someone a big secret
We all have personal secrets. While not everybody needs to know everything about you, the benefits of sharing secrets can often be greater than whatever damage you’re imagining you will incur from doing so. Here’s how to tell someone a big secret.
Ask: is it harmful?
The idea that secrets can be a psychic weight is what first intrigued psychologist Michael Slepian. His research shows that 97 per cent of people have a secret, and the average person is keeping 13 at any given time. Keeping secrets has been linked with less-satisfying relationships, higher rates of anxiety and depression and a generally diminished sense of well-being. Slepian’s research revealed 38 categories of common secrets spanning everything from big ones (infidelity, addiction) to relatively minor ones (embarrassing habits, hidden possessions).
All types of secrets have the potential to harm your mental health, but that harm doesn’t actually come from the stress of concealment. Slepian says the biggest clue to how damaging a secret is to you is how often you involuntarily think about it – like you’re picking at a scab. It’s more likely, says Slepian, that your mind will get stuck thinking about a secret that speaks to your intrinsic sense of self (a hidden marriage) than a more workaday secret (like the fact that I have a stash of chocolate that I hide from my family). “The hard part about having a secret is not that we have to hide it,” he says, “but that we have to live with it alone in our thoughts.”
Distinguish shame from guilt
Chances are good that the secrets that will weigh on you the most are the ones that make you feel bad about yourself. Many of us can relate to shame keeping us mum. (My husband still likes to remind me about when I “forgot” to tell him that I was visiting a psychic because I knew he would think it was silly and a waste of money.)
Slepian says that what’s more harmful about shame – and what distinguishes it from guilt – is that when you feel ashamed you think I’m a bad person, but when you feel guilt you think I’ve done a bad thing. The latter is actually much healthier, he says, and telling your secret can help get you past the shame and to a place where you might reflect on your behaviour. And if you decide you acted wrongly, he adds, you can then figure out how to act differently next time. “You can learn from your mistakes.”