“You’re too sensitive”: Gaslighting as narcissism
Some people gaslight because that’s how they were raised and continue to use this dysfunctional tool to meet their needs in a relationship. But for many gaslighters, manipulating and hurting others is intentional and gives them a “high” and brings them pleasure, Sarkis says. This can manifest in many different ways, but a typical gaslighting example is in close friendships where one person requires a constant stream of love, gifts, adoration and attention and will gaslight their “best friend” into providing these things.
One man shares that his best friend since childhood often disparaged him, telling him that he wasn’t good at anything he tried, he was ugly and he had poor social skills. “I realised after I went to college that none of those things were true, but he wanted me to believe they were so I would continue being his best friend,” he says. “He was actually jealous of me in many ways and put me down to feel better about himself.”
“Gaslighters are often narcissists and need a constant supply of attention. However, even if you devote 100 percent of yourself to loving and taking care of them, it will never be enough. They will make you feel like you will never be good enough for them,” Sarkis says.
What to do if you think you’re being gaslighted
Gaslighting may be more common than most people think. It’s one sign of emotional abuse, which more than 43 million women and 38 million men will experience by an intimate partner in their lifetime, according to data from the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention.
The first step to ending gaslighting is to be able to recognise it when it’s happening, Stern says. You may come to see it on your own, but many gaslighting victims need help from family, friends, and/or a therapist to detangle all the lies and twisted memories, she says.
“I tell people to focus on how they feel during a conversation rather than what is ‘right,’” she says. “It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t care who is right or wrong, but the way you are talking to me is aggressive and abusive, and I won’t continue this conversation’.”
Unfortunately, many gaslighters do not respond well to their victims standing up for themselves as it takes away their ability to control them, Sarkis says. “Often, the only way to stop the gaslighting is to walk away from the relationship,” she says.
Once you decide to leave, you need to do it very carefully as it’s not uncommon for gaslighting to escalate to physical violence, Sarkis says. “Talk to your loved ones or a therapist and make a plan to leave safely,” she says. “Once you’ve left, you need to go full no-contact because they will try to ‘hoover’ you back in with promises and gifts.”
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Source: RD.com
