The world’s dumbest criminals: true stories of the planet’s thickest thieves

A would-be thief who broke into a Melbourne bakery found, for all his troubles, he’d trapped himself in a locked storeroom. He was captured on CCTV stacking containers, chairs and bins in a desperate attempt to climb up to the roof. Cameras rolled for 30 minutes as he attempted to scale the pile, crashing to the ground at least five times. The would-be burglar eventually freed himself and handed himself in.

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Two burglars rifling through an apartment were disturbed by police and jumped out of a window with a stash of jewellery. Soon afterwards, the police picked up two men acting suspiciously. While in custody one man became ill and needed hospital treatment. X-rays showed up the problem: two rings, a pendant and a necklace – all swallowed in haste. After swift surgery, the apartment owner identified the items and police did the rest.

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A 32-year-old man was jailed for three years when he was found hanging upside down from a window after trying to break into a terrace house in Kent. “Having been caught hanging literally upside down from the window of the house he was attempting to break into, he was left with little choice but to admit his crime and take his punishment on the chin,” said police.

Obviously the idea to rob a bank crossed this Illinois resident’s mind, but he failed to logically think it through. The 40-year-old man walked into the bank, handed the cashier a threatening note that read: “Be Quick Be Quit [quiet]. Give your cash or I’ll shoot.” The bank teller obliged and handed him $400, but the thief had overlooked the fact that his message was scribbled on a piece of his pay slip. Detectives found the other half of the pay slip outside the bank – complete with the bank robber’s name and home address.

On the other hand, learn about the 20 baffling forensic cases that stumped everyone. 

Modern technology foiled this felon when he and a mate were found with 103g of marijuana in their car. While they were at the station for questioning, a third man sent a text message to one of their mobile phones, saying, “water my weed, please.” The police went to his place and found a small backyard plantation. The driver was convicted of possession and the intention to deal in drugs. His two friends were let off due to a lack of evidence.

Here are 8 texting habits that are so annoying they are virtually a crime!

One local thief had high standards but poor follow through. When Wellington Silva Oliveira robbed a cook, taking his wallet and watch, he was upset to find the watch wasn’t quite what he wanted. So he kept the money but returned with the watch, claiming it was a “fake”. While his victim hurried to report the mugging to police, Oliveira stopped to play soccer at a nearby field, where he was still playing when police arrived and arrested him.

Listen to our podcast ‘The case of the Rolex murder’ to hear how a Rolex watch helped to solve a baffling crime.

This dumb criminal left behind a vital clue at a house he’d broken into: his mobile phone with a photo of himself on it. He was recognised by a detective investigating the theft. At first the thief claimed he had lost his phone and someone else was using it, but this excuse fell through when the stolen goods were found at his home. The 44-year-old was sentenced to 160 hours of community service.

Here are 10 mobile phone etiquette rules you should be following… but aren’t. 

One wannabe thief had obviously watched too much TV. When the 29-year-old tried to break into his neighbour’s flat by using a bank card, he woke up the owner. In the thief’s haste to get away, the card snapped in half, leaving behind his name and account details. “The victim called up and read us the details off the card,” police said. “When we got to the burglar’s house, the other half of his bank card was on his kitchen table.”

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One thief got more than he bargained for when he reached into the window of a parked car and snatched a tote. The bag belonged to professional snake catcher Brad McDonald; inside was a highly venomous snake McDonald had just captured from an underground car park in Sydney. Gotcha!

A policeman responding to a burglary report at a house in Johannesburg sat down on the couch to take a statement, not realising a burglar was hiding underneath it. The homeowner looked down and saw the burglar lying flat on his stomach half under and behind the couch. His head was right near the policeman’s legs. The policeman jumped off the couch and the man was arrested, after handing back stolen jewellery and a digital camera .“The police were so chuffed. They were in seventh heaven that they caught him. The whole thing was so bizarre,” the homeowner told The Star newspaper.

A woman tried to rob a grocery store with a can of “gas” spray as her weapon of choice. Luckily, the shop assistant realised it was just deodorant.

A Japanese cross-dresser in Nagoya thought he could avoid detection by donning a school uniform during his criminal acts. Wearing a navy blue miniskirt, white blouse and shoulder-length brown wig, he was spotted bag-snatching from a number of women. Unfortunately for the 24-year-old, Japanese schoolgirls don’t sport a five o’clock shadow; nor are they 175 cm tall. The thief was arrested at a train station.

Using a wheelchair to escape the scene of a crime doesn’t sound sensible, but a Texan duo thought it might be worth a try. Noemi Duchene attempted a knife-point robbery at a jewellery shop while her accomplice, Luis Del Castillo, waited outside with the getaway vehicle – the wheelchair. Duchene, who also lived opposite the shop, was tackled by a customer before she and Del Castillo were able to make a slow escape.

A cashier at a Mumbai shop was surprised when he was handed a credit card in the name of one of Bollywood’s biggest stars. The shopper, who was trying to buy $500 worth of clothes, certainly wasn’t the famous actor named on the card, so the cashier rang the card issuer. The matter was referred to police, who arrested three men on the spot. The gang said they’d “found” the movie idol’s credit card in the street.

Two burglars decided that DIY disguises were the way to go for their planned break and enter. Both Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller scribbled on their faces with a black permanent pen before breaking into an apartment in Iowa. The police caught the pair in their vehicle not long after. Apparently, the less-than-dynamic duo had been under the influence of alcohol. Note to self: don’t drink and draw.

New Zealander William Singalargh was fined for common assault for hurling a hedgehog at a schoolboy. The 27-year-old offender threw the prickly weapon at his target, leaving the boy with a large red welt and four quills lodged in his hip. The deceased hedgehog was taken away as evidence, and Singalargh faced the wrath of animal lovers, who condemned the act.

Taking a pick-and-choose approach left one Chinese burglar feeling very stupid. The thief broke into a well-to-do Hubei home, nabbing thousands of dollars’ worth of jewels. When police questioned him about a couple of diamond jewels, he admitted to flushing them down the toilet, after thinking that they were too big to be genuine.

Two men got into a serious argument. It escalated, and became so heated that one of them eventually called the police. When the two had been calmed down, their identification was taken and… bingo! Both of them turned out to be on the police wanted list, a small but important fact they had forgotten during the dispute.

A Canadian criminal called police to clarify what exactly he had stolen during a break-in. The man said he was upset because police had released the incorrect information, which was reported by the media. It was too easy for the police, who were left with a recorded confession to follow up.

Police arrested a 33-year-old man after he and an accomplice attempted to grab the takings of a fishing gear shop. Instead of snatching the cash drawer, they took off with the computer terminal and left fingerprints, which the police had no problem tracing. How did the police have such good records of the men? The pair had met while doing time in prison.

House thief Jonathan Parker decided to log on to his Facebook account before leaving the West Virginian house he had just raided. Fortunately for the residents, Parker left his account open, so allowing the police to track him down effortlessly.

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, suspected shoplifter Jacob Wise, 18, had cleverly removed security tags from clothes he was allegedly stealing from a store. But the alarm went off anyway as Wise strolled through the exit door. It seems he had merely put the removed tags in his pocket. – From Chuck Shepherd’s News of the Weird

A 36-year-old man was tackled by customers as he attempted to rob the Zions Bank in Salt Lake City shortly after it opened. Several customers had noticed him waiting outside for the bank to open – already wearing a hooded sweatshirt and mask. The man had then meekly waited in line for his turn before snatching money from a teller. – From Chuck Shepherd’s News of the Weird

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Source: RD.com