I recently visited a local restaurant for a spot of lunch. I ordered a ham salad, and the waiter soon arrived with my meal. “Do you know what kind of cheese this is?” I asked him, pointing at my plate. Off he went into the kitchen to find out [...]
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Deadly diet
At a conference I attended recently, a doctor was addressing a large audience. “The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago,” he said. “Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your [...]
The customer is always half right
I was really pleased with my purchase of a new pair of shoes from a major retailer. About a week later, on a rainy day, I was in a rush and quickly grabbed my shoes from the rack and made my way into town. To my horror, I felt a wet sensation [...]
After dinner drinks
We recently ate a restaurant and as we paid our bill the waitress asked our small son what we were going to do next. Excitedly, Jamie said, “We have whisky in the car, you know.” The waitress glared at me and walked off before I could explain to [...]
Knock knock
When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in and started complaining that she’d got home to find a note from the postman – he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in. “My husband was home all day!” she fumed. After I gave her the [...]
The Great Tweet-off: Kids’ Edition
A source of surprise, pain, comedy, wisdom and everything in between, this month we celebrate the joy (mostly) of children. Sometimes, at night, after my son has gone to bed, I go into my room and finish all my sentences. – Paula Poundstone [...]
The Great Tweet-off: Social Media Edition
Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube … for every new way we have to connect these days, there’s a joke to be made on the mother of them all: Twitter. When you’ve got 5 minutes to fill, Twitter is a great way to fill 35 minutes. – Matt Cutts [...]
Never looked better
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become. On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it [...]
Unsearchable
I was trying to teach my mother how to use the internet, but at 86 she felt she could carry on perfectly well without it. Determined to prove how good it was, I told her she could Google any question she liked and it would find an answer. She [...]
Spitting image
I was showing off my drawing skills to my four-year-old one day. I would sketch different things and then ask him to recognise them. My boy was doing really well until I drew an angry face and he shouted, “It’s Mummy!” My wife was not amused.
Poor reception
I recently took my wife on holidays to the north of England, and since our son was to join us for a few days, I texted him to bring fuel for the fire as it had turned decidedly chilly. A few days into our stay, we received news that an elderly [...]
Blissfully lost
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden one afternoon. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he was well looked after. I gave him a few pats on the head and he followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, [...]
The Great Tweet-off: Wisdom edition
Time to check in with teenage wunder-tweeter @SixthFormPoet. His musing have been enjoyed by millions since he joined Twitter in February 2011, and he now has a book, The Sixth Form Poet: Deep Thoughts and Wise Words. Enjoy. Clapping between [...]
Gun salesman
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
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I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.
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