Feeling sick, my sister grabbed the thermometer from the medicine cabinet and popped it into her mouth. “Uh, Julie, that’s the dog’s thermometer,” said my mother. Julie spit it out. “Ewww, was that in Fitzie’s mouth?!” Mum hesitated before [...]
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Wise crack
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He’s trying to work out the combination.
Happy returns
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Silence is golden
A man entered a silent religious order where you were only allowed to say two words a year, to the Bishop. At the end of his first year the man was asked by the Bishop for his two words. As he had felt hungry often during the year, he replied [...]
Helping hand
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. [...]
Grounds for divorce
The wife left me a note on the fridge saying, “It’s no good – it’s just not working. I’m staying at Mum’s for a while.” I opened the door, the light came on and the beer was chilled. Goodness knows what she was on about!
So satisfying
“Where do you want this huge roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss. “Just pop it in the corner,” he replied. It took me three hours.
The bonds of marriage
A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue he announces, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asks. “It’s me,” he says, “talking to the beer.”
Punbelievable
Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
Act natural
Matt’s dad picks him up from school. Knowing the parts for the school play were chosen that day, he asks his son if he got a role. Matt announces: “Yes, I play a man who’s been married for 20 years.” “That’s [...]
This just in…
OMG. President Lincoln has been shot! Wait, whoa, my internet connection is SUH-LOW.
Playful paradox
I hate people who say that time travel is a stupid idea. It’s exactly that kind of attitude that lost us World War Three.
Savvy salesman
An old man at the end of a jetty is selling seagulls – $2.50 for one, or three for five bucks. A curious tourist goes up to him and says, “I’ll take one, please,” and hands over his money. The old man pockets the money, points to the sky and [...]
PC Joke
A new member of staff called John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at the same time. “That’s incredible,” says John. “Trust a geek to use two keyboards at [...]
Hair brained
I’d just like to say to any women out there having trouble keeping their hair out of their eyes: get a grip.
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