I’ve been told that when you meet the right person, you know immediately. How come when you meet the wrong person it takes a year and a half?
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Terminal prescription
William came home from the doctor looking very worried. “What is it? asked his wife. “What’s the problem?” “Well, the doctor told me I have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of my life,” explained William. “So what?” his wife [...]
Top of the class
A university football coach called out the new member saying, “Look, I’m not supposed to have you on this team because you failed your maths exams but we really do need you to play for us. What I’ll do is ask you one simple [...]
Take two naps and see me in the morning
A man tells his doctor he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “OK, Doc. In plain English – what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just [...]
Wishin' impossible
A man was cruising on his motorbike up the California coast when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled [...]
Hard labour
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole – he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole – fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A [...]
Check mate
When my sister was in high school, she went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him because they figured any guy who took three hours to make a move was OK.
Pun fun
A book fell on my head today. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Two steps forward…
It’s a ten-minute walk from my house to the pub. Weirdly, it’s a two-hour walk from the pub to my house.
The friendly skies
An airline introduced a half-price fare for women accompanying their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the airline wrote to all of the wives who’d used the special rate, asking them if they enjoyed their trip. Letters [...]
Pardon?
A man sat on a train, chewing gum and staring vacantly across the aisle. Eventually, an old woman sitting opposite him leaned across the gap separating them. “It’s no good you speaking to me, young man,” she bellowed. “I went deaf years ago!”
Road worrier
Two elderly women out driving one day came to an intersection. The light was red, but they just carried on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn we just went through a red light.” At [...]
A golfer to the end
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bent and twisted 5-iron, standing over a lifeless man. A detective asks, “Is that your husband?” “Yes” replies the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf [...]
Jungle chuckle
Do you know why you cannot find any Aspirin in the jungle? Parrots eat ’em all.
Smart kitty
A man hates his wife’s cat. He decides to load the cat off next to the road. Getting home, he finds the cat waiting for him on the doorstep. Again he takes the cat for a drive, driving much further this time. Again, the cat is waiting for him by [...]
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