My friend, who’s a nurse in an emergency department, was telling me about a patient who arrived with a gash in his head. Apparently the man was a farmer, and he and his son were working in a field when he’d felt a stone in his boot. He’s tried [...]
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The devil you know
When the coffeemaker went on the fritz, I joked that maybe it was the fault of the cockroaches. Our office manager was not amused. “We don’t have cockroaches,” she said, putting me straight. “What about all the roach traps?” I asked, pointing to [...]
Great outdoors
What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these: – Would the lightning be faster if it didn’t zigzag? – How much does Mount McKinley weigh? – What do you do with the snow when it melts?
Poles apart
I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That depends on which direction you’re coming from.”
Lack of foresight
My husband was a tour guide for a 16th-century castle just near Leuchars airfield in Fife, Scotland. One day, while speaking to a group of American tourists, a jet plane flew overhead. The noise was very loud and prompted one of the party to [...]
Quarter master
I ordered a foot-long roll from a sandwich bar in town for myself and my friends. There were four of us, so we decided one long roll would be cheaper than buying four individual ones. I asked the assistant, “Would you cut it into four, please?” [...]
Closed loop
My husband recently answered his work phone and heard someone start a familiar pitch about upgrading his computer software. A few seconds later the other office line rang and it was another cold caller, this one trying to sell life insurance. [...]
A win's a win
We took our two teenage sons to a restaurant that was packed with fans watching a sporting event on TV. The harassed waitress took our order, but 30 minutes later there was no sign of our food. I was trying to keep my boys occupied when suddenly [...]
Cross wires
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried “S123” several times, but it didn’t [...]
Time flies
A young man recently came to the clinic I work at for an MRI and was put into the machine by an equally young, blond technologist. When the examination was complete, he was removed from the MRI machine and greeted by a middle-aged, dark-haired [...]
Cringeworthy client requests
– The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it were a little more orange, like “blorange”. – We would very much like it if you did the work for free, but if not, we can pay you $20. – Looks good, but the logo is too large. Please make it 100 [...]
Backed into a corner
I was a medic in the army. One day, I woke up with terrible back pain. I went to the sick hall, where I was told I’d be taken to the hospital. After an hour, the captain came over. “Sorry for the delay,” he said. “But we can’t find the ambulance [...]
Take note
While rushing around the hospital, busy doctors can sometimes leave odd comments on their patients’ charts: – “She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got divorced.” – “Is numb from the toes down.” – “Has two [...]
Daily grind
I recently asked a friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a rubbish collector,” my friend said. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age,” I managed to reply. “Well,” said the [...]
Curse correction
After stepping out for a few minutes from the Grade 1 classroom where I teach, I returned to a chorus of children tattling: “Brendan said the B-word! Brendan said the B-word!” Perplexed, I took Brendan into the hall and asked him to tell me what [...]
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