I was working in army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.” [...]
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Stick-to-it-iveness
I am the principal of an elementary school. One day a bigger boy was brought into my office for discipline. He had hit two kindergarten classmates on the playground and knocked them down. “He hit us twice!” the boys said. “Is this true?” I [...]
Fell at the first hurdle
My real name is Wilton, but everyone at the plastics factory calls me “Dub”. And that’s where the confusion began. A woman from the front office came by with a form to fill out, but when she asked for my name, I wasn’t sure which one to give. [...]
Polite pilates
During a Pilates class, our thin instructor apologised to one of her larger students for blocking her view of the mirror . “Don’t worry,” the woman said to the teacher, “I can see myself on either side of you.”
The “L” is for “Loophole”
The best ever legal advice spotted on a billboard comes from an ad for the North Carolina law office of attorney Larry L. Archie: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.”
Licenced to kill
My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: “When the _______ is dead, the car won’t start.” She wrote: “driver”.
Lumps and bumps
Saving for a new car on a teacher’s salary takes a while, so in the meantime I borrowed a friend’s old car that was so beat up, even its dents had dents. I came out of school one day to find a police officer and a woman examining it. “What’s [...]
Desk jockeys
The pressures of work can bring out the weirdness in people. Check out these real-life exchanges from overheardintheoffice.com: Boss: You make too many mistakes! You’re not very consistent. Employee: Well, you can’t be consistent all the time. [...]
Misfit
A teenager came into the clothing store where I work and browsed for over an hour before choosing the perfect dress for a party. But the next day she was back with the outfit. “Can I please exchange this for something else?” she asked. I was [...]
Helping hang
We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call. Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that [...]
Short and tweet
I just found out my boss gets alerts every time I tweet, so I’d just like to say this meeting is top-notch – an all-time great meeting.
Workin' nine to whatever
Recently, an elderly couple visited the interior design store where I work to request an estimate for reupholstering some furniture. They had no photos on hand, so I asked that they bring some next time. When they enquired about store hours, I [...]
AWOL
While on manoeuvres in the desert, our convoy got lost – forcing our lieutenant to radio for help. “Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him. “Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”
Time to reflect
A friend of mine works at a tattoo parlour. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later the customer called, demanding a refund. “You did my tattoo backwards,” he screamed down the phone. “It’s backwards?” my [...]
Synogyms
My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman had answered, “Horrendous eating habits.” “Why do you say that?” my friend asked. “Well,” she [...]
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