While leafing through our local newspaper, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for family named Dingle.”
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Name-calling
A husband who has six children begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. But after a few years, she’s grown tired of it. “Mother of six,” he would say, “what’s for dinner [...]
Snackable
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
Class warfare
How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
Eggs Benedict
Created in the 1920s at Delmonico's restaurant in New York City, this dish traditionally uses ham or bacon and a rich butter sauce. Here, a lower-fat yogurt and chive hollandaise contrasts with the richness of poached eggs and lean prosciutto, [...]
Getting results
A woman is feeling unwell, so she goes to her GP. He immediately spots the problem and says to her, “Take this red pill after breakfast with a glass of water.” “OK.” “Take this blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.” “Ok.” “And take [...]
There's always a catch
A woman returning from a fishing trip with her husband told her troubles to a neighbour. “I did EVERYTHING wrong again,” she said. “I talked too loudly, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in to soon… and I caught more than he did.”
As young as you feel
As a retiree, I’m often asked what I do to fill my days. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town for a little shopping. After visiting one store for about five minutes, we emerged to find a cop writing out a parking ticket. [...]
Air line
At the airport, just as my flight was called, I noticed the guy next to me knew exactly what he was doing. He had his documents ready, he joined the queue with perfect timing and sauntered through the gate and onto the plane knowing exactly [...]
For the dads
Here are our Top Five 180, 181 that are so awful you have to love them… 1. How do you know when you’re going to drown in milk? When it’s past your eyes. 2. Struggling for gift ideas for mum this Christmas? Get her a fridge and watch her face [...]
Crawly Crime
A turtle was walking down a dark alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and [...]
Slipping quietly away
About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather’s back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
Tall tale
While at a convention, Bill, Jim and Scott shared a hotel suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to take the stairs all the way up to their room. [...]
Make leisure a pleasure
At the start of my holiday I make list of odd jobs to be done around the house. At the end of the holiday I make a similar list. If both lists match, I have had a good holiday.
Nothing up my sleeves
James and Stephen go into a sweet shop. James stealthily pockets three bars of chocolate and slips out. Gloating, he challenges Stephen to do something even bigger. “No problem,” replies Stephen. “I’ll show you the real art of thieving.” [...]
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