Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?
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Life’s mysteries
Questions on Yahoo that will destroy your faith in humanity: – “Can I safely look at a picture of the sun?” – “How can I be sure I’m the real mum of my kid?” – “How do you get spaghetti stains out of underwear?”
Security check
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
The Great Tweet-off: Airport edition
Sure, airplane travel is one of comedy’s most well worn topics. But today’s twitter jokesters still manage to put their own spin on it: Just went through the insecurity line at the airport. Pretty sure I did it wrong. – Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) I [...]
20/20 derision
“Those frames are so flattering,” I assured my sister. She’d just gotten new glasses after 25 years and wasn’t happy with them. “They’re OK,” she said, staring gloomily at herself in the mirror. “Can you see better?” “Yeah, I can see better.” [...]
Herd mentality
My grandpa is definitely a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked him how he liked his vegetables prepared. He said, “Fed to a cow, so they’ll turn into steak.”
Garden variety apology
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying. “Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”
Sour grapes
According to news reports, a man in China bought up all the odd numbered seats in a movie theatre last Valentine’s Day. The reason? He’d recently split up with his girlfriend and wanted to do his utmost to prevent other couples from having a [...]
Voices in the night
My mum is quite elderly and has a vivid imagination, so when she called me in the middle of the night to say she’d heard a voice speaking to her, I was sceptical. “Something’s wrong,” she said. “Every so often I can hear someone saying, ‘Hello [...]
Dog gone it
Whoever said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks was so wrong. I taught mine how to play dead and she’s been doing it for a year straight.
The Great Tweet-off: Fitness edition
What better place to look for exercise-avoidance wisecracks than the ultimate couch potato forum, Twitter? Have at it, lazyboneses: My favourite exercise is a combination of lunge and crunch. It’s called lunch. – Mike M (@mikeym00n) Nice try, [...]
Hang-ups
I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s a cute guy standing here.” Before I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I [...]
Make me an offer
After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough. “I think I’m going to sell them,” I hissed to my sister. “You’re crazy,” she said. “For thinking of selling them?” “For thinking anyone would buy them.”
Guilt trip
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.” He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Sweet nothings
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in and said, “You’re better looking than half the women here.”
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