I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?
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Weight for it
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.
Survival of the fittest
Two men are out for a walk in a forest when they’re confronted by a huge grizzly bear. “Stay calm,” says Tom to Jim. “Don’t move a muscle.” Jim takes off his rucksack and starts to put on a pair of trainers. Tom says, “Get real Jim, there’s no [...]
Family reunion
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking [...]
Sweet Dreams
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he replied. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it [...]
Butt out
A woman notices a man smoking and decides to educate him. “How many packs do you smoke a day?” she asks. “Three,” he says. “How much does each pack cost?” “Around $15.” “And how long have you been smoking?” “Ten years, why?” “Well, did you know [...]
Noise cancelling joke
Frustrated by noisy neighbours one evening, my teenage son suggested my husband go round and tell them one of his 181. “But Dad’s jokes aren’t funny,” I reminded him. “Exactly!” my son replied. [...]
Our undefeated season
I played in a social mixed netball team in a league where you get to name your own team. We called ourselves “BYE Round”. So when our opponents read their weekly roster, they thought, “Sweet, we’ve got the week off.”
Time for lunch
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again [...]
Nose to the grindstone
As I left work today, my boss said to me, “I know your hours are nine-to-five, but can you work an hour later tomorrow?” I said, “Yeah, sure. See you at ten.”
Dial-a-diet
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you’d like to lose half a kilo right now, press “one” 18,000 times.
Drug underdose
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
Road rage
A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, “Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?” The Rolls owner nods. “So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?” The Rolls owner nods again. “Me too. What about a double bed?” “No. Do you?” asks the [...]
Slick joke
I’m not very interested in tobogganing, but I’d do it if pushed.
Sweet torture
Don’t tell me you have a chocolate lab if you’re just talking about a type of dog.
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