Whoever said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks was so wrong. I taught mine how to play dead and she’s been doing it for a year straight.
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The Great Tweet-off: Fitness edition
What better place to look for exercise-avoidance wisecracks than the ultimate couch potato forum, Twitter? Have at it, lazyboneses: My favourite exercise is a combination of lunge and crunch. It’s called lunch. – Mike M (@mikeym00n) Nice try, [...]
Hang-ups
I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s a cute guy standing here.” Before I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I [...]
Make me an offer
After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough. “I think I’m going to sell them,” I hissed to my sister. “You’re crazy,” she said. “For thinking of selling them?” “For thinking anyone would buy them.”
Guilt trip
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.” He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Sweet nothings
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in and said, “You’re better looking than half the women here.”
Drinking problem
My mother joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first session, the group leader explained the healthy-eating plans everyone should follow, including drinking at least six to eight glasses of water a day. The following week, the leader asked how [...]
Mixed message
A friend of ours was puzzled with the series of odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day friends and family would talk and then say, “Beep,” before hanging up. He finally discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to [...]
The Great Tweet-off: comedy edition
The stomping ground of professional and amateur entertainers alike, Twitter has become a place to hone your comedy chops. Here are a few favourites to follow: Been invited to a hair-washing party. Can’t think of an excuse. – Milton Jones [...]
Emergenc-ish
Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth, and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on the phone and called home. “Thank goodness you [...]
Nice backhand
Today I ran into an old friend who I hadn’t seen in years. She raved about how I hadn’t aged a bit, and I was all set to thank her when she said, “But, you know, chubby people age better.”
Nature’s bounty
I visited my daughter bearing gifts: summer squash from my garden. “What should I do with it?” she asked. “Whatever you would do with zucchini,” I replied. “OK, we’ll give it to our neighbour.”
Dodgy discount
A shopper at my in-law’s clothing store couldn’t understand why she had to pay so much for her purchase. “I got this from the ‘15 to 35 per cent off’ rack,” she complained. “And I pick 35 per cent.”
The Great Tweet-off: Dad’s edition
Relationships with fathers could fill a thousand psychiatrist handbooks. It also gives Twitter jokesters a chance to vent freely: I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment. – Jonathon Sloan (@MrBigFists) Any guy [...]
Fossil fool
Overheard in a museum’s dinosaur exhibit recently: a confused woman complaining to her friend, “How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were [...]
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