My fruit and vegetable business has unfortunately gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies.
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Time lord, MD
The worst thing about being a doctor for the World Health Organisation is people get annoyed when they find out you don’t have a Tardis.
Always cover your tracks
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named “Fireworks and vacuums” so my dog won’t find them.
On parenthood
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
Spanner in the works
I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.
Laughter is contagious
What’s the oddest thing about belonging to a support group for hypochondriacs? Every member calls in sick, but they all show up for the meeting.
Grave misgivings
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, and immediately she yells at him. “What are you complaining about?” he fires back. “You still haven’t used [...]
Hero to zero
“Do you want to hear a good Batman impression?” asked my friend Dave. “Go on then,” I replied. “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” he screamed. “That’s Superman,” I said. “Thanks, I’ve been practising,” he replied.
Nailed it
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting.
Smart shopper
A man approaches a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and says, “I’ve lost my wife in the aisles. Would you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” the woman replies. “Because every time I speak to a pretty lady, my wife [...]
Fleeced
I stayed in a hotel where the towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase.
Rise and Shine
This morning, the strangest thing happened. I got out of bed and started walking around the flat making small talk with various pieces of furniture. Turns out I’d pressed the schmooze button.
Punished
Tom’s wife was delighted when he told her he’d finally secured a job in the local bowling alley. “Ten pin?” she asked. “No,” replied Tom. “I think it’s permanent.”
Bad sign
Yesterday my mother asked me to hand out the invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realised he was her favourite twin.
Internet security
My wife was checking her emails and told me her password was “mickeyminniebatmanrobintomjerryLondon”. I asked her why it needed to be so long. “Because,” she replied, “I was told it had to have at least six characters and one capital.”
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