I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
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The ayes have it
After a check-up, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?” “Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.” “That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?” “Yes, we took [...]
Witless for the defence
A young, inexperienced bank robber gets caught during his first heist and ends up in court. Crucial evidence – including security footage from the bank’s lobby – has gone missing. After weeks of deliberation, conflicting witness statements, a [...]
Fishy joke
A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm. “Do you make fish cakes? he asked. “Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger. “Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”
Three Frugal Men
The Three Wise Men sound very generous, but what you’ve got to remember is that those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.
Pet psychology
A dog thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.” A cat thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. I must be their god.”
Food for thought
If a caveman from the Paleolithic era saw you turn down a cupcake because you’re on the “Paleo Diet”, he’d kill you with a sharpened seashell.
Jokes of a feather
I did a stand-up gig to a flock of pigeons the other day. It went well – they were eating out of the palm of my hand.
Licenced to groan
Sean Connery would often complain that he hadn’t found his niche. Turns out he was looking for his brother’s daughter.
Mybacknophobia
When I told my wife there was a huge spider in the bath, she screamed and said, “Put it outside!” Now I’ve got a hernia – those old bathtubs can be pretty heavy…
Barking Mad
A dog goes to the post office to send a telegram. The post office clerk says, “Well, OK. It’s five words on a line, $5 per line.” The dog says, “OK, cool. Write this down: ‘Woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof, woof. Woof woof woof woof woof [...]
High-jinx
I got sacked today for downloading games onto my work computer and causing everything to crash,” I told my friend. “That’s a bit harsh,” he replied. “They don’t mess about at air-traffic control,” I said.
One age fits all
A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to try on dresses for their school formal. “Gross,” complained one girl loudly to her friends, “this dress makes me [...]
Giddy up
A child was hospitalised after swallowing six plastic horses. Doctors describe his condition as stable.
Pushy salesman
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on the door of an old lady’s house. The lady takes one look at him and says, “You are wasting your time, I have no money,” and tries to close the door. Quick as a flash the salesman jams his [...]
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