Sean Connery would often complain that he hadn’t found his niche. Turns out he was looking for his brother’s daughter.
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Mybacknophobia
When I told my wife there was a huge spider in the bath, she screamed and said, “Put it outside!” Now I’ve got a hernia – those old bathtubs can be pretty heavy…
Barking Mad
A dog goes to the post office to send a telegram. The post office clerk says, “Well, OK. It’s five words on a line, $5 per line.” The dog says, “OK, cool. Write this down: ‘Woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof, woof. Woof woof woof woof woof [...]
High-jinx
I got sacked today for downloading games onto my work computer and causing everything to crash,” I told my friend. “That’s a bit harsh,” he replied. “They don’t mess about at air-traffic control,” I said.
One age fits all
A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to try on dresses for their school formal. “Gross,” complained one girl loudly to her friends, “this dress makes me [...]
Giddy up
A child was hospitalised after swallowing six plastic horses. Doctors describe his condition as stable.
Pushy salesman
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on the door of an old lady’s house. The lady takes one look at him and says, “You are wasting your time, I have no money,” and tries to close the door. Quick as a flash the salesman jams his [...]
Had to be there
I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?
Weight for it
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.
Survival of the fittest
Two men are out for a walk in a forest when they’re confronted by a huge grizzly bear. “Stay calm,” says Tom to Jim. “Don’t move a muscle.” Jim takes off his rucksack and starts to put on a pair of trainers. Tom says, “Get real Jim, there’s no [...]
Family reunion
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking [...]
Sweet Dreams
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he replied. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it [...]
Butt out
A woman notices a man smoking and decides to educate him. “How many packs do you smoke a day?” she asks. “Three,” he says. “How much does each pack cost?” “Around $15.” “And how long have you been smoking?” “Ten years, why?” “Well, did you know [...]
Noise cancelling joke
Frustrated by noisy neighbours one evening, my teenage son suggested my husband go round and tell them one of his 181. “But Dad’s jokes aren’t funny,” I reminded him. “Exactly!” my son replied. [...]
Our undefeated season
I played in a social mixed netball team in a league where you get to name your own team. We called ourselves “BYE Round”. So when our opponents read their weekly roster, they thought, “Sweet, we’ve got the week off.”
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